my thoughts, Parents

Parenting Fail

I started therapy as soon as I knew I was pregnant. I was a messed up person, all my life I had done things I could not understand or explain, I was in the mental ward of the hospital once for a month as a teenager and it did nothing but mess me up more. I lied to anyone who would listen, always felt inside I was just made bad. I took the normal families teasing and messing around personally, and just didn’t understand why I felt so sad inside at times.

That was just as a teenager. I was 22 when I got pregnant. I had multiple abusive relationship and allowed myself to be bossed around and insulted, I couldn’t explain my feeling and turned to anger. I had just recovered from almost dying from the doctors not diagnosing my Addison’s disease till the last-minute and now had to depend on a little pill just to stay alive.

My sons father was an abusive one and an alcoholic who I went back and forth with till Jacob was a year old and we lost everything in a house fire. He went to jail for three years and I became free of him. I knew I had to work on so much to be able to raise my boy so he didn’t turn into his father or a serial killer!

I thought I failed till he turned 18 and literally flipped a switch. He had been caught shoplifting, drank and smoked pot, and I had to have the police take him to school many times. Now he’s 20. He is home for summer break from college which he got into and started from going to job Corp which used to be just were judges sent kids, but, he has his diploma even tho he had to take extra classes to get, he has a CNA license, an ECT license and personal trainer license, but, he is still completely inconsiderate, kinda selfish and seems to have no empathy. I know it could be so much worse but it is killing me! We have so much on our plates right now but he just ads more. Doesn’t seem to care or just doesn’t remember anything I tell him or ask him. I feel I failed him. We’re did I go wrong , what did I do, or not do to make him become like this?, especially since I am a “give the shirt off my back kind “of person….

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It all comes back….

The way we raise our kids always comes back to us. 

I started off wrong with my boys but saw that and corrected it early enough for them to be mentally and emotionally stable when it was time, example. My son jacob is currently working as a CNA and is not stopping there, he wants to be a dr. A mother like me could not be more  proud. He grew up in rentals his whole life and was broke always but that didn’t stop him and I hope it never stops any other kid!

Now if you completely smother them, manipulate them into believing what you want them to about people especially,  it will come back. Point blank….

A mother tells her new husbands mother, u will never see him or any children we have….

Tell the kids awful lies and make up stories to try to make them always see things your way and never ever in dads way, try to keep them always under your thumb….

What do you really think will happen when they grow up??? Either, one, dad smarten ups and leaves and as time goes they meet all these people they were never allowed to meet and one day actually think, hhhmmmmmm.

Or , they grow up and marry a controlling , abusive woman just like mom and you never see them or your grandchildren again…..

Either way, you are digging a bigger hole. 

And somewere inside , she knows. Her parents have told her, people have left, she drinks herself a box of wine every night…. she knows…

my thoughts, organized, Parents

Part 2

It’s hard to figure out what to tell to help imagine who you are and how u got there, 

Could be from when I was a tween, the first time crying over a boy and ran to my mother, when she realized what it was about she harshly said oh you will get over it and walked away….did that say to me that my feelings were not important.? Yes I think so.

Our house burned two weeks before my son’s first birthday. I got the abusive man part but then spent eight years with one emotionally unavailable and mentally abusive. I was an extreme extrovert before and now, I go days or weeks without leaving my house. I am an extreme introvert. I shy from people. I do not like the way I look but can not do to much to change it. I attract narcissistic people and I let them use me for whatever. I need to change me.