My days all start with the same old game, open your eyes jump and up quick or feel like your dragging yourself all day,
Getting out of bed and moving around , is like telling the future of what my day will behold,
Someday I wobble and don’t feel secure not really sure if I will land on the floor
I take my pills, a handful to start, try to be a mother, try to be a wife
Half an hour at a time, I live my life
Not sitting too long or reading at all, it knocks me out and I hit a wall.
The day will end , no matter what time, if I drive or ride, read or write , mostly if I use my computer at all,
30 min later the alarm will ring, half an hour at a time, what a life
Falling asleep driving limits this for me , the thought of hurting anyone I can’t go far from home
What work could I do, physically week and plenty of pain for me
Can’t sit at a desk or stand for long , can’t drive , can’t type, can’t even write this blog, my eyes are falling
This day is over, the monotony of my life
Living 30 min at a time ,
my prison inside my own home
I just want to express my frustration, seems everything I do is a quote .
I use my app and it is outdated, deleted and reinstalled, nope still the same. If I go to the site on a browser then I have my updated categories and things , I have continued to battle this but I realize at the moment the site looks horrible so,
Please bare with me.
This Gruesome, Disturbing Story Will Convince You To Stop Accepting Airdropped Photos
This Gruesome, Disturbing Story Will Convince You To Stop Accepting Airdropped Photos
— Read on thoughtcatalog.com/holly-riordan/2019/06/this-gruesome-disturbing-story-will-convince-you-to-stop-accepting-airdropped-photos/
My suboxen weening process has been going great still. I need to get to another endocrinologist since my other one closed the office last minute, like literally. They called Monday to remind me of my appointment on Thursday, then called Wednesday to say the office closed for good??? Ok. Soooo, my primary is not sure how to deal with anything other than the normal monitoring of my levels.
I am still only taking 1 mg a day and still terrified to go down any more.
My heart shatters more every day I do not have contact with my grandchildren. Their mother uses them as pawns and anyone who she gets mad at for any reason she takes them from. She has told them that their father does not love them and he picked his beer over them. I can’t bear to imagine what she told them about me!!! She is a horrible person and I do not say that often about people but I have been trying to put together a case for grandparents rights. They lived with me for over a year, always would run to me open armed and we had a very strong bond. Now it has been almost a YEAR since I have seen them and I just can’t believe it! She knows how much they love me , she knows everything but just doesn’t care. She puts herself before them and always has. She lost her first child to the father and if I bring all this stuff to court and they ask me I would take them in a heart beat. Even with all my issues I know those babies need someone to stand up for them. This week my little pickle will be 4 years old. I missed her whole 3 year , almost of time I can never get back. I’m so scared to actually loose them . I know I have been holding back because I am scared I would loose but I need to believe they would be better with me in there lives than not.
For 12 years, maybe 15 I have been doing suboxen because I became addicted to opioids. I have health issues and they told me all the time, (the dr’s )that my body could not handle detox that it would kill me. I died the day I did my first drug. I am tired of it, I don’t want to do this anymore.
I can’t keep dealing with the shame of being an addict. My husband has never even hit a joint! For real! He doesn’t understand at all but he is trying. I cut down to 2 mg months ago and for the past two day I have been doing one. It is not in my head, the lack of energy, the lack of motivation, I also have more pain than normal but I can think that away with the weather. I have to trick myself into not being affected by this. I need to know what it is like to feel normal, but with my Addison’s I won’t ever, so how normal can I get?
I need to sleep. I’m so tired. Igo through fazes of not sleeping and last night I woke up and could not go back to sleep and I need to sleep. I am supposed to get 10-12 hours with my illnesses. I have to break that now before it really starts or it will be so much harder .
My son, the pre Med one, he knows all about it and he just says, mom who cares, u r not an addict, I think you should just leave it alone. But, I still feel it. I want so bad to change. I need to not have soo many regrets and not wish I had done this and that. I will not be ever to just travel if I am still on this crap. I will accomplish one big thing in my life besides my kids, even if it is the only think I ever do.
Laws of attraction, God, Angels, the universe, which ever one you believe in, please help me. Please.
My best friend of 18 years is bipolar and it has been a roller coaster for the past few years. She had nothing happen for ten years and then her dad died, she started to fall some and then her baby daddy died and that was it. She is alone with two kids and has been in and out of the hospital with ups and downs for the past 2 years. Her most recent trip she met a guy right before going in. He is in his early 20 and she is in her mid 30 but doesn’t look it. She got pregnant, he is thrilled and she is not now that she has leveled out again. She just found out today that it is a girl and she is horrified, says she could only raise a nasty slut like her and has already decided the baby will be better off with out her. Then they tell her the placenta is over the birth canal so when she goes into labor she will bleed to death. She refuses to have a csection, says it will make her ugly and she can not take any opioids or will get addicted again. I told her there are other ways, they don’t prescribe opioids for nerve pain, it doesn’t matter what you did before but what you do after she is born, everything I can to talk her out of the negative. She doesn’t have a car anymore so is not seeing her councilor anymore. She says it is not fair to let her be cut for a kid she is not going to be in its life, so keep her, I can’t I will only end up being horrible to it and she will b just like me….. my head hurts, my heart hurts, I don’t know what else to say. She would rather die than be cut, and insist this baby will b horrible. I just feel so horrible and useless.
Scheduling my day , trying to decide what needs to be done. For anything involving my computer, like this, for example, reading or even driving, I have to do it 30 min at a time. My life feels like one long to do page, having to stand and move around so I don’t fall asleep. Can’t go anywhere over 30 min away. Can’t read any of the many, many, books I still want to read, unless it’s night and it’s ok to fall asleep.
Once I fall asleep and jolt awake again, I can try and try to get back my energy but it is gone for good for that day.
Is it horrible, yes it is. Is it a severe pain and makes me just want to cry the tears from all the way down in to my toes, yes, yes it does.
Living 30 minutes at a time
Can not sit , and let my mind go
Can not jump in the car and drive anywhere just because
I love to learn and I love to read
I loved when I used to feel more free
Now if I sit to long it sucks away my living
If I am up to long and do to much
I usually will have a price of pain to pay
Which way is up , which way is down
To be living instead of just surviving
Reading a recent post from someone I admire made me realize I had not posted about my dog since we adopted him. Atlas was a rescue from Florida, very small and long with a head too big for his body when we met him, but he was our kind of crazy, so he became one of us. Bassadors are half Bassett hound and half Labrador, so short legs, long body! Bassett hounds are the most stubborn to train and he is almost two and still chews everything!!!He hates his nails being cut so has ripped one pair of my bed sheets running around going crazy and my hardwood floors have suffered the most!
At the same time with all the stress comes the love and unconditional friendship, he makes me feel safe when my husband is away, he has helped me with getting outside more and being able to leave the house easier on my own. He is ours and we may never be done with his training but he wants to learn and he seems happy.
Trying to change my way of thinking. I have everything I need but keep finding reasons to not be able to finish my room, not able to do or make. I wanted to monetize my creative side and now that I have all I need I can’t get my butt in gear and do anything?? I think somewhere inside I am afraid to fail, think I am not good enough, I sabotage myself constantly. Maybe I just think to much.
I see and read all about changing your way of thinking ,changing your inner voice, subconscious, the values and beliefs you instilled as a child that now as an adult know are not right…
it is so mind exhausting to constantly be trying to figure out what has been holding me back from accomplishing anything in my life. I know I have the ability to do it. I know I have the skills and tools needed……
I was on a path to success, 21, already to be assistant manager at the convenience store I worked at, had my own apartment, was dating a pilot, moved in together and I started getting sick. I ended up working less and less and then quit all together, I started not eating, sleeping all the time, needing to sit all the time, hair was thinning out, skin turned yellow, after 6 months , I weighted 90 pounds, could not stay awake more than maybe an hour in a day and even when I was laying down felt like I needed to lay down. When Portland hospital finally diagnosed me I would have had maybe a couple weeks left to live. My life has never been even close to the same. The older I got the more illnesses you can add to the list and I had given up. I accepted my life was as it was. Then my husband fell into my lap! How many woman can say they found true love, never ever going anywhere or doing anything?
Now I have the husband, the house and all I could ever ask for. So what is my problem?!!!!
I have two biological boys, one is in college and the other is 16 , Branden, and lives at home with me and David. I have always counted on him to be the responsible one, he was the common sense of the two, I sent him with his older brother and friends so I knew they would be safe. He is polite, empathetic and cares for everyone. The only things I have ever been able to complain about with him has been his grades in school and his inability to keep his room clean. I know I caused most of his cleaning issues myself by getting tired of waiting or thinking he was doing something wrong, and doing it myself. I also know I always just pushed them to pass, not to do their best, I know everything we do and say to our kids or in front of our kids forms the adult they become.
Today I was hit with seeing my son was high. He had three friends over, I know they do not have the option to hang out other than school together, my son NEVER asks for anything, literally he has to think for days to tell me birthday and Xmas things he wants, so when he does ask I usually say yes, hence the three boys over. He openly told me one of them smokes pot and asked me if I would tell him he could not be friends with him, we had a discussion on pot then. No , his friend does not offer it to him, no , he is not stupid he saw what it did to his brother, he would not get in a car with someone but call me instead, etc, etc, etc. All the same things he has said most of his life. Then he went outside with his friends later that day and got high.
I am feeling so many things and I have a ball of emotions growing bigger by the minute growing inside my gut. I know teens try drugs , usually though it is because they are either , trying to fit in or because they are unhappy and it is a release.
I feel betrayed like I do not even know him, I feel lied to and played like a piano. I have the pamphlets and all the information on how to talk to your kids about drugs and how to tell if your child is high and so on, but , none of them prepared me for this.
I feel lost, I do not know how to handle this.
My first picture of the moon that was not just a white circle of light!!! I really had to mess with the camera and must have taken 30 pictures before I finally got all the settings right!!!
ok I tried the app, Dabble. It is not a quick rich way to make money and it is from .5 to .50 or more for each ad you watch but there is no catch and once you reach 5.00 you cash out. I do it in the waiting room or in line at the store. I give it a definite thumbs up!!!
I received no compensation for my review, check it out.