Posted in my thoughts, organized, Parents

Part 2

Posted on by queentracey1

It’s hard to figure out what to tell to help imagine who you are and how u got there, 

Could be from when I was a tween, the first time crying over a boy and ran to my mother, when she realized what it was about she harshly said oh you will get over it and walked away….did that say to me that my feelings were not important.? Yes I think so.

Our house burned two weeks before my son’s first birthday. I got the abusive man part but then spent eight years with one emotionally unavailable and mentally abusive. I was an extreme extrovert before and now, I go days or weeks without leaving my house. I am an extreme introvert. I shy from people. I do not like the way I look but can not do to much to change it. I attract narcissistic people and I let them use me for whatever. I need to change me. 

Posted in my thoughts, organized, Parents

Challenge to Myself

Posted on by queentracey1

I need some pick me up on becoming…….

I am really trying to find myself but get stumped in depression or it’s to hard, or I try to give up. I am not happy with my life, were I am at 42, what am I doing? Is this it? I should be more than what I am and I want more. So, anyway,  I am going to challenge myself to do one post everyday about, something I did to reach my goals that day, something positive  I can say everyday. About me. 

He’s a very quick summary to help you all to maybe get me better. If that’s possible!! Lol

 At 22ish I was diagnosed Addisons Disease, hypothyroidism.

 Married an abusive man because I was to scared to say no. We had a son. Left him and the first time I was with another man, boom pregnant. On birth control both times!!! Lol both times I was just getting back on my feet. Started with more health issues, one thing after another. I have heard, arthritis, fibromyalgia, scoliosis, carpel tunnel, mixed connective tissue disease, etc.etc.etc. I have tried to work but something keeps happening were I get sick then get fired. S S says because I can work some I do not qualify but I can not work enough to support my kids by myself??? Have something wrong with just the left side of my body were my hip area swells as in, size 12 when I get up, size 16 if I am active. I have gained more weight but can not excercise without swelling and hurting more. I was abandoned by my family for poor choices in my youth and still receive no support from them. I am lucky to get a card from my mother for Xmas. They all live in the same town. My 18 son did start to go the wrong path but has realized it and has gone back to school for his diploma, has a talent for singing and leaves for job Corp in 2 weeks, so I can’t be that bad of a mother. Never had money from his father and he has never been around. My 13 son is sweet and smart and a great kid, his dad is around some and does pay his child support.

So, I am a mental and physical mess and I want to at least make me happy. That was t as quick as I said, sorry. 

Posted in my thoughts

Bipolar

Posted on by queentracey1

I usually try not to get into really serious things but I have had bipolar reach its hand out and touch my life.

My best friend of 17 years has bipolar, she jokes and says she is literally crazy with that and her other issues but is a great person with a big heart. She recently got off S.S. and took advantage of the state free program to be a cna, graduated first in her class and has just opened up her wings. I have been so proud of her. Whatever the reasoning for why all that mattered was she did it. She became self sufficient, a great mom and an even better friend. I guess she was too happy. She all of a sudden went manic and ended up in houlton maine which is like an hour and half drive??  She made it out and home in 20 days which is a record I guess, she says years ago, 6 maybe? Or 8? Idk but she usually takes months to get back to her normal thing. Tragedy wasn’t done with us yet about 2 weeks, if that after she came home her four year old’s father passed away completely unexpectedly in his sleep. The doctor’s have taken all this into account with adjusting her medications and have totally failed. She is no longer my bubbly energized friend. She is so lethargic and quite, no more out throwing the balls around with her boys, no going to the gym at 4 am everyday, she’s having a hard time at work even. I miss her so much. I am trying to of course be as supportive as I can be in hopes they will keep messing with her medications so we can get her back. It blows my mind how all this happened to her because she was too happy, her life was going to good. Her medications stopped working is what the drs say but it was like piping a switch. 

I have never experienced this before, I had moved away for a few years last time but those two times are the only times it has happened to her and last time it was things were to bad so it’s a different and I don’t see it but she says she’s glad I wasn’t here last time. 

Posted in my thoughts

Unorganized

Posted on by queentracey1

I jump around from different subjects to taking pictures to sharing posts to posting my own things. I guess it may be a look onto my inner self because my life is as unorganized as my blog. I try to stay on to the same subjects that I started on but maybe it is expanding my mind as I expand my blog?  I have multiple projects all over my house that are unfinished. Each room is filled with different types of projects, beads in my computer area, woodwork in the living room, baskets and staining projects in the kitchen…..lol. I just wanted to say to you who have blessed me with your confidence enough to follow me that I hope my jumping subjects doesn’t disappoint. If it does I am sorry.