I have a bipolar friend that I have written about a few times. She has very few friends and no family. She has 4 kids by different fathers and the only one that was good for anything died.
She works one day a week and needed a baby sitter for her 3 year old daughter. I have helped her raise all of her kids so seemed to make sense I helped her with it.
After a few Sunday’s went by her youngest boy wanted to come along so of course I said yes. The second time he was here and we were outside , she took off running to see her brother and I went to put our drinks on the deck, I turned around and she was on the ground crying. She has run up behind her and he accidentally hit her with the bat he was playing with. She had a big egg on her head next to her eyebrow, we checked for a concussion and she did not have one. I sent her mom a message and told her what happened, and she was mad at her son and I just kept telling her it was not on purpose. After we dropped them off, she didn’t say anything to me and hasn’t talked to me since. Today is Sunday, I don’t have the little girl. She still hasn’t spoken to me and didn’t call me to get the little one.
I am so devastated that I let he down. I feel as though I lost a friend.
I was put on opioids over 20 years ago for pain, I became addicted easily and the trials began. I guess I didn’t realize how addicted I had become, with my Addison’s disease, I’m tired all the time and when I started doing drugs they would give me energy, I could get up and clean the whole house in one afternoon! That was what I became addicted to, functioning.
Jump ahead a few years, now I’m in trouble. I have 2 kids and am terrified the state would take them if they find out so, I was introduced to suboxen. It was easy to buy it off the streets, then I moved and then it started all over again.
It became obvious to me I would need help so I bit the bullet and went to get it. 20 YEARS later, I was still on it. They told me I would never be able to get off it because of my immune disease, my body would not be able to handle it. I started going down by one milligram every like 6 months, give or take. The last part was the hardest, I went down to one milligram a day! Then I new it was in my head, I just stopped. I had to not think about it. Keep my self busy.
Now it’s been long enough that I don’t even think about it and I feel perfectly fine!! Sometimes I feel like I forget to do something, like I missed my meds or something, lmao. I didn’t count the days after a week because I knew I was good. I wish I could scream it to the world but, I had already told tons of people I was off so I didn’t have to worry about being robbed. My best two friends and husband have encouraged me and supported me the whole way. I thank god for them.
I am a procrastinator or am I just lazy? I never leave my house, maybe once or twice a month. I am chaos. I am the opposite of who I used to be. They say you can never go back, is it true here as well? I am unorganized and I don’t finish things.
I have multiple projects started but hardly finish any? Maybe I am not a maker but a collector? I clean the same, start one thing, notice something else and by the end of the day, nothing looks done or finished. I have a plan, a schedule for cleaning and organizing but don’t feel I can use it until my house is finished. I still have boxes packet and my bed is still on the floor. The plan is to tear off the second floor and rebuild it. My living room and dining room will be the same but will get very dirty. This plan has been a plan for 3 years but with COVID and the price of wood, it’s still a plan.
I think the problem is I can’t hold myself accountable for not completing the days list.
Why don’t I leave my house, I am not scared or have anxiety, it’s far from a dangerous area, once I’m out I am perfectly fine? My husband goes to the store or it is Amazon and scheduled pick ups for me.
I don’t like my weight but don’t really try hard to fix it. I look nothing like I used to, besides age.
But I have an amazing life! My husband is the best ever, I don’t worry about money like I used to. Technically I don’t have to do anything but could do anything. Kids have grown to taking care of them selves and I feel my life wasting away. I have had this all for 4 years and have done nothing.