Tag: truth

Posted in grief

This weeks grief

Posted on by queentracey1

I went in to get a quick med check with one of my drs and the nurse was telling me about her asking her husband to sleep in and I completely lost it. I started crying and she had no idea why. So again I started to tell my story of my husband passing. Then came the questions, how, when, what did you do about it.

How many people lost loved ones for other reasons than why they were in the hospital to begin with?

How many were , as I was , told there is nothing anyone can do because they were there for surgery or cancer or both? The reason my husband died in the Maine Medical Hospital in Portland Maine was not because of his surgery or because of the cancer we they removed in the surgery , no it was because when things went south they didn’t call his doctor in as instructed so in a matter of hours he bleed in to his stomach so much that his heart stopped. When requesting his medical files the dr wrote on a sticky note that he was not called in. I truly believe he could have saved him but because they just say a complication of surgery due to cancer, I can do nothing.

This week, I started out ok, then it all went to hell as the rush of emotions and the feeling of drowning came back.

Posted in grief

Leave, Stay

Posted on by queentracey1

All I can do is keep breathing

I cant tbreath with out you

I know I have to let you go

I need you still

My heart may heal someday

My soul hurts when yours is not here

You where the lobe of my life

I love you more than life

Posted in kids and crafts and more!!!, My Photos of Maine, my thoughts, Parents, photography, Shared, Uncategorized, WOW Stuff

My world stopped

Posted on by queentracey1

Why is the sun rising?

Why are the birds singing?

Why has the world kept living

My heart is shattered, my mind is muck , my body is numb , I can’t get unstuck.

The moment he left me my world split and shattered.

I have never experienced such pain, such anguish as I did on that day, that day you went away.

My best friend, my soul mate, the reason my world spun, my husband, my hero, David Bernier. My love, my life, is gone

Posted in my thoughts, Psychology, self-help, Shared

I am drug free!!! After 20 years!

Posted on by queentracey1

I was put on opioids over 20 years ago for pain, I became addicted easily and the trials began. I guess I didn’t realize how addicted I had become, with my Addison’s disease, I’m tired all the time and when I started doing drugs they would give me energy, I could get up and clean the whole house in one afternoon! That was what I became addicted to, functioning.

Jump ahead a few years, now I’m in trouble. I have 2 kids and am terrified the state would take them if they find out so, I was introduced to suboxen. It was easy to buy it off the streets, then I moved and then it started all over again.

It became obvious to me I would need help so I bit the bullet and went to get it. 20 YEARS later, I was still on it. They told me I would never be able to get off it because of my immune disease, my body would not be able to handle it. I started going down by one milligram every like 6 months, give or take. The last part was the hardest, I went down to one milligram a day! Then I new it was in my head, I just stopped. I had to not think about it. Keep my self busy.

Now it’s been long enough that I don’t even think about it and I feel perfectly fine!! Sometimes I feel like I forget to do something, like I missed my meds or something, lmao. I didn’t count the days after a week because I knew I was good. I wish I could scream it to the world but, I had already told tons of people I was off so I didn’t have to worry about being robbed. My best two friends and husband have encouraged me and supported me the whole way. I thank god for them.

Posted in Parents, photography, Reviews, tips & tricks, Uncategorized, WOW Stuff

Wiggle fun

Posted on by queentracey1

First time I bought a wiggle waggle ball they sent a cheap thin plastic that broke as soon as he looked at it!!!! At Home Depot I saw an original and had to get it! He loves that thing, hasn’t gotten a hole in it yet at all which is amazing with his chewing habit! He chases it around and throws it up in the air.

I highly recommend one for your dog!!! The noises change a lot depending on the directions it is going.

This is Atlas approved!!!

Posted in my thoughts

What’s going on???

Posted on by queentracey1

I am a procrastinator or am I just lazy? I never leave my house, maybe once or twice a month. I am chaos. I am the opposite of who I used to be. They say you can never go back, is it true here as well? I am unorganized and I don’t finish things.

I have multiple projects started but hardly finish any? Maybe I am not a maker but a collector? I clean the same, start one thing, notice something else and by the end of the day, nothing looks done or finished. I have a plan, a schedule for cleaning and organizing but don’t feel I can use it until my house is finished. I still have boxes packet and my bed is still on the floor. The plan is to tear off the second floor and rebuild it. My living room and dining room will be the same but will get very dirty. This plan has been a plan for 3 years but with COVID and the price of wood, it’s still a plan.

I think the problem is I can’t hold myself accountable for not completing the days list.

Why don’t I leave my house, I am not scared or have anxiety, it’s far from a dangerous area, once I’m out I am perfectly fine? My husband goes to the store or it is Amazon and scheduled pick ups for me.

I don’t like my weight but don’t really try hard to fix it. I look nothing like I used to, besides age.

But I have an amazing life! My husband is the best ever, I don’t worry about money like I used to. Technically I don’t have to do anything but could do anything. Kids have grown to taking care of them selves and I feel my life wasting away. I have had this all for 4 years and have done nothing.

Posted in my thoughts, Parents, Psychology

Emotional baggage

Posted on by queentracey1

I was estranged from my family for years, like 10 or so. A few years ago I was able to push it all aside and reach out and I have continued to reach out a lot. Probably could be more, yes, but still.

I have lost my grandparents, my father and my mother lost a breast to cancer, ( which runs in the family, every female for 5 generations! Thank you mom!) so that has helped , reasons to get together.

They apparently believe it is all due to my husband , ??? 🤔 Yes he may say call your mom, but it was me that was able to push past old wounds. He’s lucky I love him! Anyway, I have learned things as a mother, as a woman and as a psychology major.

My mother didn’t know how to handle an emotional teenager, or an emotional anything really. She still doesn’t, it was easier for her to just say it was all me than to think something was wrong and I needed her. She will call and tell me point blank that she forgot to call and tell me…. Like when my grandmother died.

I say the phone works both ways, I like and comment on all the posts my siblings put on Facebook. I try to connect, and I know it has been a long time. I even told her I was sorry for being mad at her all these years for not being the mother I wanted. Something like that, she just looked at me and said “Yup.” I grew up alone, I went through years alone trying to raise my boys and deal with my health issues. When I realized my boys would need me to be better mentally and emotionally, I started therapy, I did what I needed to do to be the mother they needed.

The point of all this? I feel like I have not had a mother since I was younger than a teenager, I can’t say anything to her because she lives in her own world at this point and she wouldn’t even get it. She just looks at you with a blank stare when you say something she doesn’t want to hear or like. All the therapy and learning, I still can’t get past it.