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I am a procrastinator or am I just lazy? I never leave my house, maybe once or twice a month. I am chaos. I am the opposite of who I used to be. They say you can never go back, is it true here as well? I am unorganized and I don’t finish things.
I have multiple projects started but hardly finish any? Maybe I am not a maker but a collector? I clean the same, start one thing, notice something else and by the end of the day, nothing looks done or finished. I have a plan, a schedule for cleaning and organizing but don’t feel I can use it until my house is finished. I still have boxes packet and my bed is still on the floor. The plan is to tear off the second floor and rebuild it. My living room and dining room will be the same but will get very dirty. This plan has been a plan for 3 years but with COVID and the price of wood, it’s still a plan.
I think the problem is I can’t hold myself accountable for not completing the days list.
Why don’t I leave my house, I am not scared or have anxiety, it’s far from a dangerous area, once I’m out I am perfectly fine? My husband goes to the store or it is Amazon and scheduled pick ups for me.
I don’t like my weight but don’t really try hard to fix it. I look nothing like I used to, besides age.
But I have an amazing life! My husband is the best ever, I don’t worry about money like I used to. Technically I don’t have to do anything but could do anything. Kids have grown to taking care of them selves and I feel my life wasting away. I have had this all for 4 years and have done nothing.
I was estranged from my family for years, like 10 or so. A few years ago I was able to push it all aside and reach out and I have continued to reach out a lot. Probably could be more, yes, but still.
I have lost my grandparents, my father and my mother lost a breast to cancer, ( which runs in the family, every female for 5 generations! Thank you mom!) so that has helped , reasons to get together.
They apparently believe it is all due to my husband , ??? 🤔 Yes he may say call your mom, but it was me that was able to push past old wounds. He’s lucky I love him! Anyway, I have learned things as a mother, as a woman and as a psychology major.
My mother didn’t know how to handle an emotional teenager, or an emotional anything really. She still doesn’t, it was easier for her to just say it was all me than to think something was wrong and I needed her. She will call and tell me point blank that she forgot to call and tell me…. Like when my grandmother died.
I say the phone works both ways, I like and comment on all the posts my siblings put on Facebook. I try to connect, and I know it has been a long time. I even told her I was sorry for being mad at her all these years for not being the mother I wanted. Something like that, she just looked at me and said “Yup.” I grew up alone, I went through years alone trying to raise my boys and deal with my health issues. When I realized my boys would need me to be better mentally and emotionally, I started therapy, I did what I needed to do to be the mother they needed.
The point of all this? I feel like I have not had a mother since I was younger than a teenager, I can’t say anything to her because she lives in her own world at this point and she wouldn’t even get it. She just looks at you with a blank stare when you say something she doesn’t want to hear or like. All the therapy and learning, I still can’t get past it.
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