Tag: words

Posted in grief

This weeks grief

Posted on by queentracey1

I went in to get a quick med check with one of my drs and the nurse was telling me about her asking her husband to sleep in and I completely lost it. I started crying and she had no idea why. So again I started to tell my story of my husband passing. Then came the questions, how, when, what did you do about it.

How many people lost loved ones for other reasons than why they were in the hospital to begin with?

How many were , as I was , told there is nothing anyone can do because they were there for surgery or cancer or both? The reason my husband died in the Maine Medical Hospital in Portland Maine was not because of his surgery or because of the cancer we they removed in the surgery , no it was because when things went south they didn’t call his doctor in as instructed so in a matter of hours he bleed in to his stomach so much that his heart stopped. When requesting his medical files the dr wrote on a sticky note that he was not called in. I truly believe he could have saved him but because they just say a complication of surgery due to cancer, I can do nothing.

This week, I started out ok, then it all went to hell as the rush of emotions and the feeling of drowning came back.

Posted in grief

Leave, Stay

Posted on by queentracey1

All I can do is keep breathing

I cant tbreath with out you

I know I have to let you go

I need you still

My heart may heal someday

My soul hurts when yours is not here

You where the lobe of my life

I love you more than life

Posted in grief, my thoughts, photography, Psychology

My world

Posted on by queentracey1

I feel like I was robbed, like someone reached inside my body and stole my heart as well as my ability to breathe, think , move!

My husband was perfect, we had a love that was epic. We were together 6 years, 3 months and 9 days.

We started texting in October 2016. Our first date was December 31, 2017. We got engaged in February, bought a house in March and was married in October 2017. He was my everything, my husband, my soulmate, step father to my children,

We never had a fight, barely ever argued. For real. He gave me everything I had ever dreamed of and more.

Posted in kids and crafts and more!!!, My Photos of Maine, my thoughts, Parents, photography, Shared, Uncategorized, WOW Stuff

My world stopped

Posted on by queentracey1

Why is the sun rising?

Why are the birds singing?

Why has the world kept living

My heart is shattered, my mind is muck , my body is numb , I can’t get unstuck.

The moment he left me my world split and shattered.

I have never experienced such pain, such anguish as I did on that day, that day you went away.

My best friend, my soul mate, the reason my world spun, my husband, my hero, David Bernier. My love, my life, is gone

Posted in my thoughts

What’s going on???

Posted on by queentracey1

I am a procrastinator or am I just lazy? I never leave my house, maybe once or twice a month. I am chaos. I am the opposite of who I used to be. They say you can never go back, is it true here as well? I am unorganized and I don’t finish things.

I have multiple projects started but hardly finish any? Maybe I am not a maker but a collector? I clean the same, start one thing, notice something else and by the end of the day, nothing looks done or finished. I have a plan, a schedule for cleaning and organizing but don’t feel I can use it until my house is finished. I still have boxes packet and my bed is still on the floor. The plan is to tear off the second floor and rebuild it. My living room and dining room will be the same but will get very dirty. This plan has been a plan for 3 years but with COVID and the price of wood, it’s still a plan.

I think the problem is I can’t hold myself accountable for not completing the days list.

Why don’t I leave my house, I am not scared or have anxiety, it’s far from a dangerous area, once I’m out I am perfectly fine? My husband goes to the store or it is Amazon and scheduled pick ups for me.

I don’t like my weight but don’t really try hard to fix it. I look nothing like I used to, besides age.

But I have an amazing life! My husband is the best ever, I don’t worry about money like I used to. Technically I don’t have to do anything but could do anything. Kids have grown to taking care of them selves and I feel my life wasting away. I have had this all for 4 years and have done nothing.