Posted in my thoughts, Parents


I went to my little brothers wedding today. It was beautiful, he was great, she was perfect, they are perfect for each other. The wedding went with no problems, the reception the same.

 The moment I walked in I was uncomfortable, as guest arrived and people were greeted, I felt invisible. The ran like a little girl to my uncle’s as they arrived looking for the safety I have always received under there wings and sat with them during the ceremony so it was much better then. I hadn’t been spoken to or had gotten more than a necessity response from anyone else but my brother since arriving. I stayed to take pictures and ended up having to be in one but , I dealt. My brother said that was what I got for staying. Love that kid. At the reception I was seated with my mother, ex step father who had his other two sons with him, current step father and niece. I brought my older son with me. I wanted to sit with my uncle’s and grandmother’s but wasn’t sure if that was allowed. Most of the time I sat unspoken to, just there. My niece moved next to me at one point so I wasn’t alone. The whole family got up and danced, except me. I spoke to my older brother, the best man, nieces father, best friend to my little brother, but, he ignored me as he has for 20 years. 

I have yearned for the love of family for so long. The ache I felt inside brought constant tears to my eyes. I have had friends as family, had lonely holidays and just a very lonely life. 


I am a woman of many thoughts and ideas on anything creative,upcycling or frugal, love to take pictures especially of nature and my grandkids all while I fight the good fight of illness both mental and physical. I appreciate friendly criticism and love comments!!! So, don't be shy, talk to me...

4 thoughts on “Pain

    1. I have asked myself many times what happened that my own mother and brother turned there backs to me. Yes I made mistakes, married an abusive man and then was just never with anyone stable but, I only move when necessary, not a drug addict or alcoholic, didn’t get pregnant till 22. I acted out as a teen that I now can see was part, my father hardly ever around, (I never though that but I guess it could, he lives in a diff state but can call him anytime) I guess my ex step father was abusive to my mom even though I don’t remember it so it’s the monkey see monkey due thing, but mostly because my mother never talked to me about anything no matter how hard I tried. For my first period she gave me books, when I went crying over a boy she told me I would get over it and walked away. I tried to commit suicide at 16 I think and she still just , Idk. I have always felt like she didn’t like me. She’s an excellent mom to my brothers. My brother I don’t understand either, my house burned so we moved in w him and his family, I moved after 2 months and they didn’t like it. Rumor has it they were talking g about taking my son from me. They thought that little of me. My little bro said he heard the claim was my son was malnourished and bruised all the time but I have proof he was always very healthy and I would have died before anyone touched him ever. I just don’t know. I am just learning how to communicate so was never able to answer every time I have said something about any of it , she would comment on it somehow my fault and I just cry. I can’t talk to her at all. My older brother hasn’t spoken to me since I moved out. This ended up being a book! I’m sorry Irene. Lol.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You don’t need to be sorry, Tracey. I asked and you answered. Not all can be explained in two lines 🙂
        Sometimes our own family can feel like strangers. Then it is time to find and choose your own family among friends. I used to say earlier: My friends are the family, as I chose myself.
        We are not committed to love our family, this should be by free mutual choice.

        Liked by 1 person

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