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Why The Opioid Crisis Is Dangerous For Chronic Pain


Healthcare providers are reducing painkillers for financial & political gains due to the opioid crisis, threatening chronic pain patients. The post …

Why The Opioid Crisis Is Dangerous For Chronic Pain
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my thoughts, Parents, Shared, tips & tricks, Uncategorized, WOW Stuff

Breast cancer tradition


Yup, you read it right, tradition.

My grandmother had it, it may go beyond her but I’m not sure so, and her sister has it. Then my mother has been diagnosed, after 3 surgeries she has been told She has to have her whole right breast removed.

The thought of loosing the very thing that makes you a woman can be quite traumatic. Some woman can easily let it go but some feel they will be less of a woman after.

My family does not speak of feelings or emotions. My uncle says we are not lovey dovey. I don’t think decision is a bad thing, communication is key in all marriage and relationships, so shouldn’t it be in families?

To this day I don’t know why my family turned from me 20 years ago but at this point swallowing it and opening the lines of communication is all I can do. My older brother spoke to me for the first time at my grandmothers funeral last month. I hugged him , told him I missed him and loved him. Small steps my husband says, small steps.

So now every female in our family line has had Breast cancer. The fact that my mother called me to tell me and make sure I had my mammogram almost made me cry.

Silver lining , my mother also has MS and the chemo helps that.

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my thoughts, Psychology, self-help, Uncategorized

I just can’t loose weight


I was a size 6-8 my whole life until about 15 years ago. I was diagnosed with Addison’s disease when I was 22, this was 8 years later. I am ashamed to say I weigh 202. Pounds and I feel disgusting. I have physical limitations that I do not fully understand the reason for, I have fibromyalgia, ok, I have arthritis, ok, but I have a swelling in my hip and “tire” area no doctor has been able to explain! That was when I started limiting my activity and started to gain weight. I just figured out I can not have dairy and thought that would be it, but, nope. It is not my bones, we know that for sure. I think it has something to do with air, I can get a lot of gas sometimes after the swelling comes but it is so severe I look crooked! It is visible to anyone that one side is bigger, it has always been the left side. If I am physically active when it is already swollen, it gets worse and can hurt all the way down my leg. Everyone just says,” there is nothing there”? Yup, just my hip. But it swells. My dr said to “get regular ” but I have never been!!

So, I need to loose weight. I hate the way I look. But I just can’t fig out how with limited mobility. My dr has suggested water physical therapy. I just feel like it is hopeless. Of course my husband loves me and always gets upset when I say I am fat or something, says he still sees the 15 year old girl he met but, he will see it someday.

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My Photos of Maine, my thoughts, Parents

Pains of change but still the same.


I am full of things to say today! Lol

As the seasons change, so does my pain. In the summer it hurts when it rains, in the winter it hurts as it gets colder, but the pain is still the same, pain. The winter pain spreads in more places, and seems to be lot more often, it’s harder to get past then summer pain. I can get up and move to get rid of summer pain but winter pain just gets a little easier to bare. It’s strange, it’s the same pain, just different.

Humans are entirely different creatures and creations then weather and seasons but they all effect us in many ways. Before getting into medicine my son used to say I was crazy when I said it was the weather making me hurt , now he just says I’m crazy! Lol

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I am DONE being an addict


For 12 years, maybe 15 I have been doing suboxen because I became addicted to opioids. I have health issues and they told me all the time, (the dr’s )that my body could not handle detox that it would kill me. I died the day I did my first drug. I am tired of it, I don’t want to do this anymore.

I can’t keep dealing with the shame of being an addict. My husband has never even hit a joint! For real! He doesn’t understand at all but he is trying. I cut down to 2 mg months ago and for the past two day I have been doing one. It is not in my head, the lack of energy, the lack of motivation, I also have more pain than normal but I can think that away with the weather. I have to trick myself into not being affected by this. I need to know what it is like to feel normal, but with my Addison’s I won’t ever, so how normal can I get?

I need to sleep. I’m so tired. Igo through fazes of not sleeping and last night I woke up and could not go back to sleep and I need to sleep. I am supposed to get 10-12 hours with my illnesses. I have to break that now before it really starts or it will be so much harder .

My son, the pre Med one, he knows all about it and he just says, mom who cares, u r not an addict, I think you should just leave it alone. But, I still feel it. I want so bad to change. I need to not have soo many regrets and not wish I had done this and that. I will not be ever to just travel if I am still on this crap. I will accomplish one big thing in my life besides my kids, even if it is the only think I ever do.

Laws of attraction, God, Angels, the universe, which ever one you believe in, please help me. Please.

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I am terrified


I have two biological boys, one is in college and the other is 16 , Branden, and lives at home with me and David. I have always counted on him to be the responsible one, he was the common sense of the two, I sent him with his older brother and friends so I knew they would be safe. He is polite, empathetic and cares for everyone. The only things I have ever been able to complain about with him has been his grades in school and his inability to keep his room clean. I know I caused most of his cleaning issues myself by getting tired of waiting or thinking he was doing something wrong, and doing it myself. I also know I always just pushed them to pass, not to do their best, I know everything we do and say to our kids or in front of our kids forms the adult they become.

Today I was hit with seeing my son was high. He had three friends over, I know they do not have the option to hang out other than school together, my son NEVER asks for anything, literally he has to think for days to tell me birthday and Xmas things he wants, so when he does ask I usually say yes, hence the three boys over. He openly told me one of them smokes pot and asked me if I would tell him he could not be friends with him, we had a discussion on pot then. No , his friend does not offer it to him, no , he is not stupid he saw what it did to his brother, he would not get in a car with someone but call me instead, etc, etc, etc. All the same things he has said most of his life. Then he went outside with his friends later that day and got high.

I am feeling so many things and I have a ball of emotions growing bigger by the minute growing inside my gut. I know teens try drugs , usually though it is because they are either , trying to fit in or because they are unhappy and it is a release.

I feel betrayed like I do not even know him, I feel lied to and played like a piano. I have the pamphlets and all the information on how to talk to your kids about drugs and how to tell if your child is high and so on, but , none of them prepared me for this.

I feel lost, I do not know how to handle this.

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Injection form of suboxen?


www.sublocade.com/

Now for you who do not know, suboxen is a small film medication that you put under your tongue to dissolve and is used to treat opioid addiction. It stops the ability to feel the effects of opioids, stops withdrawals and helps with urges for opioids.

It started in a hexagon shaped orange colored pill form and comes in, 2,4 and 8 mg. ( I believe that is all but don’t quote me) When companies or agencies realized that people had started crushing and snorting it to get a high like effect, a contradiction to its use, they had to rethink it. It sold quick and easy on the streets and they all were exactly the same with No way to trace them back to the original prescription owner. They made a generic that was not as strong and from what I remember didn’t stay long. I think they turned that into the subutex, a form given to pregnant woman that would help with cravings and withdrawals but not be as harmful to the baby. If one did too much suboxen they would nod off, or fall asleep, pass out, doze off, etc,etc,etc,

Then they made the film form, something that as far as I know, there is no way to exploit so it worked for its needs except they still were able to sell films on the street, in Maine the street value of suboxen is usually $1.00 a milligram, some people double it. Now the films come in little envelope type squares with a cut up in the corner so you could rip it open, they also have bar codes and batch numbers, making it easier to trace and check to make sure the envelopes all matched the batch they were supposed to be in and to the person they were supposed to be prescribed to, that made it a very minor harder to sell but not much..

So, now we have this once a month injection thing coming out. That will definitely help with the doing more than prescribed or selling issues, but, it’s still addicting and still just another form of suboxen. Not really going to help with the opioid crisis.

I have been a recovering addict for 13 years, on suboxen, after a roughly 2 or 3 year affair of drug use. I literally started at the bottom on a 500 mil of Vicodin’s and went up from there, never booted though. I had my limits and the whole thing started with prescribed pain medications for myself, then I lost my doctors, so I was introduced to a whole new world. Being a single mother, you will do what ever it takes to be able to care for your kids, never mind the consequences.The withdrawals from the suboxen are worse than from the pills and my body is weak with my Addison’s disease it makes them deadly for me. I will be able to get off it someday. I am down to 2 mg a day. , and have been stuck at that amount for 5 years. I am tired of it.

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Devastated


My heart is on fire with grief, guilt is taking over, my responsibility to my loved ones who counted on me has been betrayed. I opened the door, I let my beautiful girl outside at night and then left her out side when I went to bed. I killed my best friend. My precious girl, she was an angel, she was the most well behaved animal I have even had the pleasure of meeting. She didn’t get up on things or rip things, she never ever not used her litter box. She was very simple and happy. She deserved so much better. She was only 7. I can not forgive God anymore, he has taken so much from me, I don’t need to be stronger! I don’t need to endure anymore great pain! I have had so much pain in my life. I mean, cmon, my Adrenal Glands were so over used by the time I hit my 20 that they quit at 22! Not deformed or any other reason, they were just exhausted! I understand a lot of the things that have happened in my life and I even understand the reason behind them and I did need to learn to be stronger and I was. But I have lived through it, I beat the pain, I saved myself and my kids from all the abuse and I made myself into the person I am now. I beat cancer. I have over come and have my rewards for my troubles. I have the most perfect man for me that could ever be, we have our quirky house, and we have our boys. Yes, his ex is still mentally and emotionally abusing his two and my grandkids are in a horrible situation but we are dealing, Day by day. How could anyone possibly thing I didn’t still need her! How could anyone think I could just get up and move on with out my shadow? She has been next to me every day since she could walk. She was my sunshine, my happiness and my baby.

Myah May Lee August 2011-August 2018

WhaT is all this about August? She was born and then God took my only 2 best friends ever in August?

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Memories


Memories are what keep lost time and people alive in our minds and hearts. 

Pictures help memories become more real. 

Things and times we have forgotten become real and alive again. 

Sometimes, I don’t want to remember, sometime the pain that comes with the memory I don’t want, but I have to have the pain to have the memory. 

Pain of a dead weight on your chest burning as it becomes heavier and heavier. The memories rush through you like waves in the ocean. 

Was it worth it now that all we have left is the pain,…..

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Pain


I went to my little brothers wedding today. It was beautiful, he was great, she was perfect, they are perfect for each other. The wedding went with no problems, the reception the same.

 The moment I walked in I was uncomfortable, as guest arrived and people were greeted, I felt invisible. The ran like a little girl to my uncle’s as they arrived looking for the safety I have always received under there wings and sat with them during the ceremony so it was much better then. I hadn’t been spoken to or had gotten more than a necessity response from anyone else but my brother since arriving. I stayed to take pictures and ended up having to be in one but , I dealt. My brother said that was what I got for staying. Love that kid. At the reception I was seated with my mother, ex step father who had his other two sons with him, current step father and niece. I brought my older son with me. I wanted to sit with my uncle’s and grandmother’s but wasn’t sure if that was allowed. Most of the time I sat unspoken to, just there. My niece moved next to me at one point so I wasn’t alone. The whole family got up and danced, except me. I spoke to my older brother, the best man, nieces father, best friend to my little brother, but, he ignored me as he has for 20 years. 

I have yearned for the love of family for so long. The ache I felt inside brought constant tears to my eyes. I have had friends as family, had lonely holidays and just a very lonely life. 

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