Posted in Uncategorized

So tired of this body

Posted on by queentracey1

I am always in pain, I am always having to deal! If I don’t jump out of bed in the morning, I’m screwed. If I sit on the couch to long writing or reading on WordPress, I’m screwed, the whole day will be a struggle and no matter what pills I take or what I try, I can not get back the energy and motivation that I should have had that morning. I need a new body.

I have the best love relationship with my husband, literally a fairytale. I have an awesome house that I am remodeling just the way I want. My boys are doing great. I do not worry about food or rent like I used to. I have a really good life. I want to enjoy it!!

Modern medicine has failed me but what else to do. I think I have realized I meditate with out even realizing I was, as I was reading and learning about it I saw it was something I do all the time, I sit and just focus on clearing my mind, or on nothing. Ok so now what? Being happy is hard!!!

Posted in kids and crafts and more!!!, my thoughts, Parents, Psychology
Posted on by queentracey1

My heart shatters more every day I do not have contact with my grandchildren. Their mother uses them as pawns and anyone who she gets mad at for any reason she takes them from. She has told them that their father does not love them and he picked his beer over them. I can’t bear to imagine what she told them about me!!! She is a horrible person and I do not say that often about people but I have been trying to put together a case for grandparents rights. They lived with me for over a year, always would run to me open armed and we had a very strong bond. Now it has been almost a YEAR since I have seen them and I just can’t believe it! She knows how much they love me , she knows everything but just doesn’t care. She puts herself before them and always has. She lost her first child to the father and if I bring all this stuff to court and they ask me I would take them in a heart beat. Even with all my issues I know those babies need someone to stand up for them. This week my little pickle will be 4 years old. I missed her whole 3 year , almost of time I can never get back. I’m so scared to actually loose them . I know I have been holding back because I am scared I would loose but I need to believe they would be better with me in there lives than not.

Posted in my thoughts, Parents, Psychology, self-help

I am DONE being an addict

Posted on by queentracey1

For 12 years, maybe 15 I have been doing suboxen because I became addicted to opioids. I have health issues and they told me all the time, (the dr’s )that my body could not handle detox that it would kill me. I died the day I did my first drug. I am tired of it, I don’t want to do this anymore.

I can’t keep dealing with the shame of being an addict. My husband has never even hit a joint! For real! He doesn’t understand at all but he is trying. I cut down to 2 mg months ago and for the past two day I have been doing one. It is not in my head, the lack of energy, the lack of motivation, I also have more pain than normal but I can think that away with the weather. I have to trick myself into not being affected by this. I need to know what it is like to feel normal, but with my Addison’s I won’t ever, so how normal can I get?

I need to sleep. I’m so tired. Igo through fazes of not sleeping and last night I woke up and could not go back to sleep and I need to sleep. I am supposed to get 10-12 hours with my illnesses. I have to break that now before it really starts or it will be so much harder .

My son, the pre Med one, he knows all about it and he just says, mom who cares, u r not an addict, I think you should just leave it alone. But, I still feel it. I want so bad to change. I need to not have soo many regrets and not wish I had done this and that. I will not be ever to just travel if I am still on this crap. I will accomplish one big thing in my life besides my kids, even if it is the only think I ever do.

Laws of attraction, God, Angels, the universe, which ever one you believe in, please help me. Please.

Posted in my thoughts

She is choosing death for vanity

Posted on by queentracey1

My best friend of 18 years is bipolar and it has been a roller coaster for the past few years. She had nothing happen for ten years and then her dad died, she started to fall some and then her baby daddy died and that was it. She is alone with two kids and has been in and out of the hospital with ups and downs for the past 2 years. Her most recent trip she met a guy right before going in. He is in his early 20 and she is in her mid 30 but doesn’t look it. She got pregnant, he is thrilled and she is not now that she has leveled out again. She just found out today that it is a girl and she is horrified, says she could only raise a nasty slut like her and has already decided the baby will be better off with out her. Then they tell her the placenta is over the birth canal so when she goes into labor she will bleed to death. She refuses to have a csection, says it will make her ugly and she can not take any opioids or will get addicted again. I told her there are other ways, they don’t prescribe opioids for nerve pain, it doesn’t matter what you did before but what you do after she is born, everything I can to talk her out of the negative. She doesn’t have a car anymore so is not seeing her councilor anymore. She says it is not fair to let her be cut for a kid she is not going to be in its life, so keep her, I can’t I will only end up being horrible to it and she will b just like me….. my head hurts, my heart hurts, I don’t know what else to say. She would rather die than be cut, and insist this baby will b horrible. I just feel so horrible and useless.