If I looked back a few years or more the person you would see would not be me. From physical, mental and emotional abused relationships always with narcissist men , to realizing I needed to change myself for my kids sake and then the journey back to being at peace( mostly) with my self, I have come a long way. I still think of the years I spent hiding inside my safety of home and letting life just slip by. I wasted years and years like that. I still would rather be in my house but I love myself now so it’s different. It’s not easy asking for help, getting into therapy and staying with it but I know with out a doubt it saved me. I still deal with narcissist people, and I try to remember they really are not doing it intentionally, or don’t even realize they are but it is not easy.
Tag: depression
Happiness
Tired of this body
Ever since I was diagnosed with Addisons Disease my body has been screwed up. I have had so many diagnoses that have ended up being wrong that it’s hard to keep track.
Scoliosis
Lupus
Mixed connective tissue disease
Allergy to the sun
That’s just off the top.of my head there is so much more. Every year, when it changes to summer, my skin changes, one year when I itched, they swelled into huge welts. My Dr scratched me then went to let the student in and they had swelled in that time so much he speechless at first. I have fibromyalgia, on one side of my body?? I get cluster headaches but they are totally different from what they are supposed to be. They start some were on my head and move behind my eye, then they stay for hours. I will get just one once in awhile or one every day for a week. I noticed recently if I don’t get enough salt I feel tired and sluggish.
I dread the changing of the seasons. Pain has become part of my every day life. This year I am getting strange rashes, almost like I’m allergic to my own sweat. Working on the house, packing and moving can make u really sweaty. I haven’t changed anything but still have rashes all under my arms, on my chest, along my pants line on my waist. I’m so frustrated. Today I’m noticing an area on my head is itching.
My legs turn red w blue blotches and itch whenever I take a shower or do dishes. My hip swells and makes me look crooked.
I’m just tired of it.
So tired of being tired
Hi, I haven’t posted in a bit with all the choas going on at the moment but here’s an update.
We are still in the apartment until school gets out June 16. I couldn’t see moving my son with only one month left to a new school.
The house, we took out a wall, have refinished 4 floors so far, layed down 2 more, replaced some electrical wiring that was so old it was crumbly. Took out panelling all over the place, changed out lights and put up ceiling fans, cleaned up a garden that was started in front of the house, tore out wallpaper, and a lot of clean up. During this whole process packing and sorting through a 3 bedroom apt with full basement and 8 years of junk.
During this whole process my soon to be has worked his reg full time job of about 60 hours plus has a side job installing decks and some windows and has been the only muscle to move me. My son being 14 and lazy only helps when necessary and I’m not allowed to do much lifting, carrying, moving , climbing, etc. Etc.
I feel so bad all the time because even if he let me I know I still don’t get as much done on a day as a normal healthy person does. My sleep is awful, I don’t get even a quarter of the REM sleep needed for anyone never mind me. I’m always fighting a cold or pain or something that were me down even more. It’s been about 20 years since I was diagnosed with Addisons and my health has just gone down hill from there but I don’t even remember normal anymore. I’m always tired and it’s so frustrating esp when I have so much to do. I take extra vit c and was just put on a vit d regimen but, I’m still tired.
And then he kissed me……
I have been through more then I feel I deserve and more than most could handle. I do believe everything happens for a reason but our lives are what we make of them. Some of you have been with me through enough to know what I mean. I am not sure if I have ever really known love, not motherly, not friendly but true knock your socks off love.
In the beginning… lol. Had to do it… anyway. We all think in the first few months of a new relationship that they could be the one, we are soooo in love. Then for most people reality sets in and u still like what you have or not.
Maybe it is when u least expect it. Maybe it is when u stop looking. Maybe, who knows.
I knew him years ago when I dated his cousin. We started messaging back and forth, I wasn’t going to let him in. I was happy having a new friend to talk to. I cleaned out my friends sometime ago.
I have been going on and on about changing myself for the better in the last what, 6 months or so, we have been Back, Forward and Back Again. I have been not only decluttering in my house but myself as well. I have had setbacks, was robbed, depressed, and then the holidays.
Out of it I kept thinking, new years will b the start. I will start again on new years. I said, I am taking the jump and changing things. If u stay safe inside and not try anything, well, u don’t know what you could be missing.
I finally decided, it was time to take some chances.
He said he would pick me up at 5.
I have to admit I am doing the Googly eyed , swooning over his every word, can he be real, thing. Does he have a playbook on me or something? How does he know the right answers, he brought roses???, (wow). It’s only been 3 days. 3 DAYS!
WHAT HAVE I GOT MYSELF INTO!!! LOLOLOL.
Narcolepsy well, kind of…..
My life consist of having to time everything I do, every minute of every day.
I do not get what they call REM sleep. This is the deep sleep that your body needs to, repair, dream, sort through mental issues, and most importantly this is the sleep you need to feel like you slept, to feel rested. From the sleep study they found it takes me twice as long to get there and I don’t stay long enough to really accomplish anything.
So, because of that little issue, I can not
Drive for more than 30min
Read
Work on a computer, for more than 30min
Take a class
Listen to a lecture
Anything that is more mental than physical, for more than 30 min. Once I do that, I start to fall asleep. Once I get tired it is really hard to not feel sluggish for the rest of the day. It severely limits my life and the things I can and can not do. I love to read, now I can only do it before bed and never for very long. I can not go to the movies, if the show does not keep me interested enough, I fall asleep. I can not drive very far or travel. I can not tell you how many times I have gone off the road.
So, is this narcolepsy? Idk. It is going to make jury duty on Thursday and Friday awful interesting!!!!!
Trying to survive
I know I really have no close family. I have friends but honestly most are to busy in there own lives to even call unless they need something. I always had my boys but now one is gone and the other hardly comes out of his room. I know I’m depressed and I crave adult companionship. The changes I have been trying to make have been up and down and I keep thinking how I’m not living. I’m just surviving.
I do what I can to take my mind off stuff. I decided today would just b a create stuff day. I am doing three different projects at once, and I’m still lonely.
My son didn’t come home today. I miss him so much. My other son is confusing. I know he doesn’t know who he is yet but, he does not care when I get upset, he does not care when I ask him to go with me somewhere so I’m not going alone, he says no. I wanted to go to a corn maze we had free tickets for, I have never been but since it was just him and I he said no. I’m glad he’s independent but at the same time he keeps his room so bad. Dirty dishes, empty food containers and getting him to clean is horrible.
So, is it just another day? No, it’s worse.
Does it???
Everything happens for a reason…..
Ok, I get some of it. My hard life may have strengthened me to fight my illness harder.
But now, why can’t I get past it?
Why can’t I just move on?
I have been going through hell because the wedding is coming and I have to be with my family. I want to be ok there and just celebrate my brothers wedding.
I can’t get past that they wanted to take my son. Yes it was 17 years ago but I just found out details yesterday. I have 2 weeks to get myself together. Less than 2 weeks. Oct 8 .
Could it all just be me???
I went to see my younger brother today and as usual we talked about the family. I told him a lot on how I feel and he told me I was wrong pretty much. I said our mother was never there for me growing up, he said that makes no sense she is great to me and our older brother. I said whatever came into memory and he said it is out of our mothers character. I brought up, I wasn’t a problem kid like she says, how was I so bad, I didn’t come home pregnant till 22, wasn’t a junkie, didn’t even loose my virginity till almost 16. I didn’t understand at that age how I felt or how to express any of it. He said he didn’t understand, mom was not like that at all that he has seen. He is about 13, or so years younger than me. I can’t believe all this is from my father living in a diff state, we made our peace with each other when I was 20. The thing that I can’t get past is my mother and older brother talked about taking my son from me. It blows my mind. Our house burned 2 weeks b 4 my son’s first birthday.we went to live with my older brother. Him and his wife tried to change me drastically. Not just my hair and clothes and I moved out after two months even though they really didn’t think I should. I don’t k ow if it was then or before that but he claims they say my son was malnourished and always had bruises. I can’t even begin to argue how wrong that is. I can get his medical records from that time but I don’t understand they never tried talking to me, I never had the state involved except for the volunteer programs I was involved in. He said something had to make them decide that Jacob needed to be protected, they were just looking out for the best interest of Jacob. I do not understand any of this. I wasn’t born messed up. I was made that way, I didn’t chose abusive men because I felt like I, I didn’t think I deserved better. It all came from some were. Did it just come from me?
I am panicking as the days go…
I don’t know what to do, I have two weeks before my brothers wedding. I have nothing to wear as I have gained weight. I am so self conscious as it is. My family is not very nice to me, most anyway. I guess I am not what they wanted me to be. I don’t know if I dare to make anything or should I play it safe and just buy something. I wish I could be there without being seen. I love my little brother. I raised him for a good part of his first few years. After I moved out though my mother wouldn’t allow me to take him anywhere or spend time with him with out her. She makes me feel like my life has been all just failures and she makes sure I come across as the failure she claims I am. At her wedding the three of us kids were supposed to stand up and say we do when asked who gave her away, no body told me. She makes it a point to tell me it’s my fault I am who I am and she is very disappointed. I am not a druggie, I had my first child at 24, been married to his father who beat me and cut me. I have chosen abusive men most of my life. Then I got sick k and the only thing good I have now is my boys are wonderful. Which is almost enough for me anyway, but they had no faith in that, they tried to take my son away when he was born. They either didn’t pursue or they were told they had no grounds. I entered everything when my son was born,I was a part of all the programs I could be so I had a lot of backup. They had no reason. Two weeks before his first bday our apt burned, we went to live w my older brother. They tried to change me and control me, picked my clothes, my hairstyle, everything. I moved out and that’s when he and his wife disowned me because they didn’t think I should go yet. My husband was in jail for another 2 years still and that’s when they apparently talked about taking him. That was it, that was the only reason, I didn’t do drugs or drink, I didn’t cheat on my husband even though he was abusive. I did nothing to deserve that treatment and this is all crashing on me as the two weeks go on.
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The Ability in dis-A-bility (4 min read) – http://wp.me/p7hi1Z-5QO
Day one
I didn’t accomplish much today, I am making something for my little brothers wedding that I hope I have the nerve to give them. They are huge gamers, both love them and are computer geeks. I get projects made but chicken out before giving them. I will get opinions as I go from you to help with that. I tried getting my windows 10 upgrade and it messed up my speech recognition that I was using to get all my horrors down on paper.so, no life helping or changing accomplishments today. I realized, I don’t know we’re to start….. Do I set goals, give myself time limits, I’m not sure…
Challenge to Myself
I need some pick me up on becoming…….
I am really trying to find myself but get stumped in depression or it’s to hard, or I try to give up. I am not happy with my life, were I am at 42, what am I doing? Is this it? I should be more than what I am and I want more. So, anyway, I am going to challenge myself to do one post everyday about, something I did to reach my goals that day, something positive I can say everyday. About me.
He’s a very quick summary to help you all to maybe get me better. If that’s possible!! Lol
At 22ish I was diagnosed Addisons Disease, hypothyroidism.
Married an abusive man because I was to scared to say no. We had a son. Left him and the first time I was with another man, boom pregnant. On birth control both times!!! Lol both times I was just getting back on my feet. Started with more health issues, one thing after another. I have heard, arthritis, fibromyalgia, scoliosis, carpel tunnel, mixed connective tissue disease, etc.etc.etc. I have tried to work but something keeps happening were I get sick then get fired. S S says because I can work some I do not qualify but I can not work enough to support my kids by myself??? Have something wrong with just the left side of my body were my hip area swells as in, size 12 when I get up, size 16 if I am active. I have gained more weight but can not excercise without swelling and hurting more. I was abandoned by my family for poor choices in my youth and still receive no support from them. I am lucky to get a card from my mother for Xmas. They all live in the same town. My 18 son did start to go the wrong path but has realized it and has gone back to school for his diploma, has a talent for singing and leaves for job Corp in 2 weeks, so I can’t be that bad of a mother. Never had money from his father and he has never been around. My 13 son is sweet and smart and a great kid, his dad is around some and does pay his child support.
So, I am a mental and physical mess and I want to at least make me happy. That was t as quick as I said, sorry.
When I Died…
I stopped living when I died. 20 years ago I became ill. The first time I knew something was wrong it was Easter, I became a skeleton, my hair fell out, my eyes sunk into my head, I was yellow with jaundice. I could not stand or sit, I felt like I needed to lay down but already was. I didn’t eat. I only slept. I was dying and no one new why. A family friend, not my mother, not my brother, a friend decided she wasn’t going to just sit and watch me die. I barely remember her carrying me to the van, I don’t remember the drive, I remember being pushed into the emergency room in Portland and they started to hook me up to machines before even knowing my name. My blood pressure was so low they couldn’t get a reading. I lost all my muscle and was 90 pounds at 5’6.They say I died. They said I was gone for a quick moment and the adrenaline they administered was what saved me but also made them realize what I had. I was diagnosed with Addisons Disease and hypothyroidism, that was November. No one lived that long before when your adrenal glands stop working, they stop. I poured salt into my mouth all the time, I craved it. The dr’s say that’s what saved me. I lost a part of me that day. I have survived since then, but not lived. I was an extreme extrovert as a teen, now I hardly leave my house for days or weeks at a time. Yes, I have had more issues arise and many more health issues have been found but inside I no it started that day, the day I died.
Tracey in Maine 