My Photos of Maine, my thoughts, Parents

Pains of change but still the same.


I am full of things to say today! Lol

As the seasons change, so does my pain. In the summer it hurts when it rains, in the winter it hurts as it gets colder, but the pain is still the same, pain. The winter pain spreads in more places, and seems to be lot more often, it’s harder to get past then summer pain. I can get up and move to get rid of summer pain but winter pain just gets a little easier to bare. It’s strange, it’s the same pain, just different.

Humans are entirely different creatures and creations then weather and seasons but they all effect us in many ways. Before getting into medicine my son used to say I was crazy when I said it was the weather making me hurt , now he just says I’m crazy! Lol

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my thoughts, Parents

It’s a big mess


I haven’t been on in a bit but I find the need to vent or ramble, whichever you prefer. I have talked a lot about my husbands ex wife, closet drunk, extreme parental alienation, and of course a narcissist. For 12 years he tried to get her family to do something about her drinking but they didn’t want to deal with it, now she has lost all liver functions. She has been in the hospital for over a week, they are being extremely quiet and secretive about the whole thing and the only reason we even know for sure it’s her liver is from her calling to talk to the son who will come here, and his comments on her eyes and skin being yellow.

Her mother told my husband, this was immediate family only matter. Ummm, let’s see now?, married 12 years • father of her only two kids • I think he is immediate family!!!!

They have told the kids to prepare, but then have been saying stay positive and not telling them that YES she is going to die. I feel they need to be able to say goodbye. I can’t imagine the mental pain they will always feel if they can’t say goodbye.

I really am so angry they are not letting us know if we should be preparing! If we have to take in his kids full time then we need to make a lot of changes!

His older son hates us both because of his mother, they just going to throw him at us knowing it’s the last thing he would want?

Her mothering skills are totally opposite of mine and having to adjust to kids who have not been taught respect, empathy, to pick up after themselves, to do anything for themselves at all is really hard for me. Both are ADHD but I think the older is actually autistic but she refuses to see it or have them re-evaluated although it has been since they first started school since it’s been done. Now they are 8th grade and high school.

So this is one of the many what I am doing , rants to come.

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my thoughts, Psychology, self-help, tips & tricks, Uncategorized, WOW Stuff

I live my life


My days all start with the same old game, open your eyes jump and up quick or feel like your dragging yourself all day,

Getting out of bed and moving around , is like telling the future of what my day will behold,

Someday I wobble and don’t feel secure not really sure if I will land on the floor

I take my pills, a handful to start, try to be a mother, try to be a wife

Half an hour at a time, I live my life

Not sitting too long or reading at all, it knocks me out and I hit a wall.

The day will end , no matter what time, if I drive or ride, read or write , mostly if I use my computer at all,

30 min later the alarm will ring, half an hour at a time, what a life

Falling asleep driving limits this for me , the thought of hurting anyone I can’t go far from home

What work could I do, physically week and plenty of pain for me

Can’t sit at a desk or stand for long , can’t drive , can’t type, can’t even write this blog, my eyes are falling

This day is over, the monotony of my life

Living 30 min at a time ,

my prison inside my own home

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my thoughts, Parents, Psychology, self-help

I am DONE being an addict


For 12 years, maybe 15 I have been doing suboxen because I became addicted to opioids. I have health issues and they told me all the time, (the dr’s )that my body could not handle detox that it would kill me. I died the day I did my first drug. I am tired of it, I don’t want to do this anymore.

I can’t keep dealing with the shame of being an addict. My husband has never even hit a joint! For real! He doesn’t understand at all but he is trying. I cut down to 2 mg months ago and for the past two day I have been doing one. It is not in my head, the lack of energy, the lack of motivation, I also have more pain than normal but I can think that away with the weather. I have to trick myself into not being affected by this. I need to know what it is like to feel normal, but with my Addison’s I won’t ever, so how normal can I get?

I need to sleep. I’m so tired. Igo through fazes of not sleeping and last night I woke up and could not go back to sleep and I need to sleep. I am supposed to get 10-12 hours with my illnesses. I have to break that now before it really starts or it will be so much harder .

My son, the pre Med one, he knows all about it and he just says, mom who cares, u r not an addict, I think you should just leave it alone. But, I still feel it. I want so bad to change. I need to not have soo many regrets and not wish I had done this and that. I will not be ever to just travel if I am still on this crap. I will accomplish one big thing in my life besides my kids, even if it is the only think I ever do.

Laws of attraction, God, Angels, the universe, which ever one you believe in, please help me. Please.

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my thoughts, Psychology, self-help, Uncategorized

Living 30 min at a time


Scheduling my day , trying to decide what needs to be done. For anything involving my computer, like this, for example, reading or even driving, I have to do it 30 min at a time. My life feels like one long to do page, having to stand and move around so I don’t fall asleep. Can’t go anywhere over 30 min away. Can’t read any of the many, many, books I still want to read, unless it’s night and it’s ok to fall asleep.

Once I fall asleep and jolt awake again, I can try and try to get back my energy but it is gone for good for that day.

Is it horrible, yes it is. Is it a severe pain and makes me just want to cry the tears from all the way down in to my toes, yes, yes it does.

Living 30 minutes at a time

Can not sit , and let my mind go

Can not jump in the car and drive anywhere just because

I love to learn and I love to read

I loved when I used to feel more free

Now if I sit to long it sucks away my living

If I am up to long and do to much

I usually will have a price of pain to pay

Which way is up , which way is down

To be living instead of just surviving

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self-help, Shared, tips & tricks, Uncategorized, WOW Stuff

A month before a heart attack, your body will warn you with these 8 signs


A month before a heart attack, your body will warn you with these 8 signs

https://zedie.wordpress.com/2019/03/05/a-month-before-a-heart-attack-your-body-will-warn-you-with-these-8-signs/
— Read on zedie.wordpress.com/2019/03/05/a-month-before-a-heart-attack-your-body-will-warn-you-with-these-8-signs/

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my thoughts, Parents, Psychology, self-help, tips & tricks, Uncategorized, WOW Stuff

Injection form of suboxen?


www.sublocade.com/

Now for you who do not know, suboxen is a small film medication that you put under your tongue to dissolve and is used to treat opioid addiction. It stops the ability to feel the effects of opioids, stops withdrawals and helps with urges for opioids.

It started in a hexagon shaped orange colored pill form and comes in, 2,4 and 8 mg. ( I believe that is all but don’t quote me) When companies or agencies realized that people had started crushing and snorting it to get a high like effect, a contradiction to its use, they had to rethink it. It sold quick and easy on the streets and they all were exactly the same with No way to trace them back to the original prescription owner. They made a generic that was not as strong and from what I remember didn’t stay long. I think they turned that into the subutex, a form given to pregnant woman that would help with cravings and withdrawals but not be as harmful to the baby. If one did too much suboxen they would nod off, or fall asleep, pass out, doze off, etc,etc,etc,

Then they made the film form, something that as far as I know, there is no way to exploit so it worked for its needs except they still were able to sell films on the street, in Maine the street value of suboxen is usually $1.00 a milligram, some people double it. Now the films come in little envelope type squares with a cut up in the corner so you could rip it open, they also have bar codes and batch numbers, making it easier to trace and check to make sure the envelopes all matched the batch they were supposed to be in and to the person they were supposed to be prescribed to, that made it a very minor harder to sell but not much..

So, now we have this once a month injection thing coming out. That will definitely help with the doing more than prescribed or selling issues, but, it’s still addicting and still just another form of suboxen. Not really going to help with the opioid crisis.

I have been a recovering addict for 13 years, on suboxen, after a roughly 2 or 3 year affair of drug use. I literally started at the bottom on a 500 mil of Vicodin’s and went up from there, never booted though. I had my limits and the whole thing started with prescribed pain medications for myself, then I lost my doctors, so I was introduced to a whole new world. Being a single mother, you will do what ever it takes to be able to care for your kids, never mind the consequences.The withdrawals from the suboxen are worse than from the pills and my body is weak with my Addison’s disease it makes them deadly for me. I will be able to get off it someday. I am down to 2 mg a day. , and have been stuck at that amount for 5 years. I am tired of it.

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