my thoughts, Parents, Psychology, Shared, Uncategorized, WOW Stuff

Lost the kids for having bipolar ???


Some of you know my best friend is bipolar, she had years with out becoming manic and then it was one thing after another and it has been a roller coaster ride since.

She has 4 kids, all different dads. When the dad of the 3 boy died of an overdose when we did not even know he was using, she went manic. It was a slow process and took looking closely to see she was falling but I saw it. She trusted the wrong people, lost so much and blamed herself, went back to the hospital. She was in and out for months, could not get stable, then met this punk kid who manipulated her into thinking he was something he wasn’t. She got pregnant again. Baby 4 was a girl, he became abusive. I Didn’t Know!!! He stole the babies gift cards , sold things, was a junkie. I tried to kill him when I found out all this after the fact, it was wrong but, I lost it on him and would have if the hammer wasn’t taken out of my hand. I’m ashamed but will admit I did it. Ok, wait, back up. She hit the line, the fine line between love and hate, dealing with abuse and not. For the first time in the 20 years I have known her she became violent, throwing things, loosing her temper and mind. The police came, he told them to leave the kids with him, they said no way and took them. He knew he was supposed to call me , he knew I had paperwork and all the things to take the kids for the time she was in the hospital, but he was mad. They would not let him keep them, not even his one month old daughter, so he let them take them. Now it has been almost a year! The state of Maine refuses to give her kids back for their own safety. I am over the moon pissed! Her lawyer would not let me help. Dhhs has her feeling like such a failure and bad mother she hasn’t argued at all. She did everything they asked, is doing extra counseling to make better choices, but still missed her daughter growing up.

If someone with out bipolar had a break down after being in an abusive relationship for a year and the police came, took the kids to the state and said they had to do things to get them back, they would do it and get them back, but not her. Junkies’s get their kids back but not a single mother with bipolar. I don’t think it’s right, I wanted to make some noise, but she would not let me. I’m not able to do anything to help. She is still afraid if she makes noise against the state that they will take her visiting rights away.! It’s wrong. It’s prejudice. I don’t understand how the state of Maine can just do it.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I just to close to the situation to see it, should the kids be taken away????

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my thoughts, Parents, Psychology, Reviews, self-help, Shared, tips & tricks, Uncategorized, WOW Stuff

Why The Opioid Crisis Is Dangerous For Chronic Pain


Healthcare providers are reducing painkillers for financial & political gains due to the opioid crisis, threatening chronic pain patients. The post …

Why The Opioid Crisis Is Dangerous For Chronic Pain
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my thoughts, Parents, Shared, tips & tricks, Uncategorized, WOW Stuff

Breast cancer tradition


Yup, you read it right, tradition.

My grandmother had it, it may go beyond her but I’m not sure so, and her sister has it. Then my mother has been diagnosed, after 3 surgeries she has been told She has to have her whole right breast removed.

The thought of loosing the very thing that makes you a woman can be quite traumatic. Some woman can easily let it go but some feel they will be less of a woman after.

My family does not speak of feelings or emotions. My uncle says we are not lovey dovey. I don’t think decision is a bad thing, communication is key in all marriage and relationships, so shouldn’t it be in families?

To this day I don’t know why my family turned from me 20 years ago but at this point swallowing it and opening the lines of communication is all I can do. My older brother spoke to me for the first time at my grandmothers funeral last month. I hugged him , told him I missed him and loved him. Small steps my husband says, small steps.

So now every female in our family line has had Breast cancer. The fact that my mother called me to tell me and make sure I had my mammogram almost made me cry.

Silver lining , my mother also has MS and the chemo helps that.

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my thoughts, organized, Parents, Shared

High Risk


People are just being crazy , buying out toilet paper? I mean, really??? Yup, that is what the virus is like here in Maine. I live in a country area out side a small city, about an hour drive to a major city. As of this being written we had 52 confirmed cases of the Coronavirus in the state. I never went out much so staying home is easy for me but my husband works for the railroad, so he has to work to make sure things people need get to where they are needed.

I am a high Risk with my autoimmune so every time he leaves the house we worry about when he gets home. The railroad is not going to inform the rest of the guys if one of them gets sick even though a lot of the guys have high risk wives, the Union is working on that but I don’t see it happening. The majority of guys are carrying Lysol wipes with them to wipe down the controls before their shifts. We have wipes in every room so he comes in the back door using a Lysol wipe to open and close the doors and goes directly into the bathroom which is right next to the black door, takes off his clothes and puts them in a bag and takes a shower. Then puts the clothes in the laundry.

I feel guilty that my family is suffering more from this because of me, my son can’t go to his girlfriends house, she has lots of siblings and is still going to the gym as I write this. I know he is mad and says she knows what she is doing but, it would only take that one missed spot or something.

I don’t know if it’s enough or if it’s too much? I know I am scared, I know the thought of leaving my husband and my sons all with out me worries and scares me. I have known for over 20 years that this one little pill is what kept me alive. I know at one point I though God was cruel giving me something that I could not just sleep for days with, that I had to get up and face the world long enough to eat and take my pills, which means I’m awake now. This is on a whole new level now though, I could die if I leave my house and come across someone sick or something else that has germs from the sick on it. I try to keep updated with real information and just hope it blows over very soon!

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My Photos of Maine, my thoughts, Parents

Pains of change but still the same.


I am full of things to say today! Lol

As the seasons change, so does my pain. In the summer it hurts when it rains, in the winter it hurts as it gets colder, but the pain is still the same, pain. The winter pain spreads in more places, and seems to be lot more often, it’s harder to get past then summer pain. I can get up and move to get rid of summer pain but winter pain just gets a little easier to bare. It’s strange, it’s the same pain, just different.

Humans are entirely different creatures and creations then weather and seasons but they all effect us in many ways. Before getting into medicine my son used to say I was crazy when I said it was the weather making me hurt , now he just says I’m crazy! Lol

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my thoughts, Parents

It’s a big mess


I haven’t been on in a bit but I find the need to vent or ramble, whichever you prefer. I have talked a lot about my husbands ex wife, closet drunk, extreme parental alienation, and of course a narcissist. For 12 years he tried to get her family to do something about her drinking but they didn’t want to deal with it, now she has lost all liver functions. She has been in the hospital for over a week, they are being extremely quiet and secretive about the whole thing and the only reason we even know for sure it’s her liver is from her calling to talk to the son who will come here, and his comments on her eyes and skin being yellow.

Her mother told my husband, this was immediate family only matter. Ummm, let’s see now?, married 12 years • father of her only two kids • I think he is immediate family!!!!

They have told the kids to prepare, but then have been saying stay positive and not telling them that YES she is going to die. I feel they need to be able to say goodbye. I can’t imagine the mental pain they will always feel if they can’t say goodbye.

I really am so angry they are not letting us know if we should be preparing! If we have to take in his kids full time then we need to make a lot of changes!

His older son hates us both because of his mother, they just going to throw him at us knowing it’s the last thing he would want?

Her mothering skills are totally opposite of mine and having to adjust to kids who have not been taught respect, empathy, to pick up after themselves, to do anything for themselves at all is really hard for me. Both are ADHD but I think the older is actually autistic but she refuses to see it or have them re-evaluated although it has been since they first started school since it’s been done. Now they are 8th grade and high school.

So this is one of the many what I am doing , rants to come.

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my thoughts, Psychology, self-help, tips & tricks, Uncategorized, WOW Stuff

I live my life


My days all start with the same old game, open your eyes jump and up quick or feel like your dragging yourself all day,

Getting out of bed and moving around , is like telling the future of what my day will behold,

Someday I wobble and don’t feel secure not really sure if I will land on the floor

I take my pills, a handful to start, try to be a mother, try to be a wife

Half an hour at a time, I live my life

Not sitting too long or reading at all, it knocks me out and I hit a wall.

The day will end , no matter what time, if I drive or ride, read or write , mostly if I use my computer at all,

30 min later the alarm will ring, half an hour at a time, what a life

Falling asleep driving limits this for me , the thought of hurting anyone I can’t go far from home

What work could I do, physically week and plenty of pain for me

Can’t sit at a desk or stand for long , can’t drive , can’t type, can’t even write this blog, my eyes are falling

This day is over, the monotony of my life

Living 30 min at a time ,

my prison inside my own home

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my thoughts, Parents, Psychology, self-help

I am DONE being an addict


For 12 years, maybe 15 I have been doing suboxen because I became addicted to opioids. I have health issues and they told me all the time, (the dr’s )that my body could not handle detox that it would kill me. I died the day I did my first drug. I am tired of it, I don’t want to do this anymore.

I can’t keep dealing with the shame of being an addict. My husband has never even hit a joint! For real! He doesn’t understand at all but he is trying. I cut down to 2 mg months ago and for the past two day I have been doing one. It is not in my head, the lack of energy, the lack of motivation, I also have more pain than normal but I can think that away with the weather. I have to trick myself into not being affected by this. I need to know what it is like to feel normal, but with my Addison’s I won’t ever, so how normal can I get?

I need to sleep. I’m so tired. Igo through fazes of not sleeping and last night I woke up and could not go back to sleep and I need to sleep. I am supposed to get 10-12 hours with my illnesses. I have to break that now before it really starts or it will be so much harder .

My son, the pre Med one, he knows all about it and he just says, mom who cares, u r not an addict, I think you should just leave it alone. But, I still feel it. I want so bad to change. I need to not have soo many regrets and not wish I had done this and that. I will not be ever to just travel if I am still on this crap. I will accomplish one big thing in my life besides my kids, even if it is the only think I ever do.

Laws of attraction, God, Angels, the universe, which ever one you believe in, please help me. Please.

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my thoughts, Psychology, self-help, Uncategorized

Living 30 min at a time


Scheduling my day , trying to decide what needs to be done. For anything involving my computer, like this, for example, reading or even driving, I have to do it 30 min at a time. My life feels like one long to do page, having to stand and move around so I don’t fall asleep. Can’t go anywhere over 30 min away. Can’t read any of the many, many, books I still want to read, unless it’s night and it’s ok to fall asleep.

Once I fall asleep and jolt awake again, I can try and try to get back my energy but it is gone for good for that day.

Is it horrible, yes it is. Is it a severe pain and makes me just want to cry the tears from all the way down in to my toes, yes, yes it does.

Living 30 minutes at a time

Can not sit , and let my mind go

Can not jump in the car and drive anywhere just because

I love to learn and I love to read

I loved when I used to feel more free

Now if I sit to long it sucks away my living

If I am up to long and do to much

I usually will have a price of pain to pay

Which way is up , which way is down

To be living instead of just surviving

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A month before a heart attack, your body will warn you with these 8 signs


A month before a heart attack, your body will warn you with these 8 signs

https://zedie.wordpress.com/2019/03/05/a-month-before-a-heart-attack-your-body-will-warn-you-with-these-8-signs/
— Read on zedie.wordpress.com/2019/03/05/a-month-before-a-heart-attack-your-body-will-warn-you-with-these-8-signs/

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