my thoughts, Psychology, self-help, Uncategorized

I just can’t loose weight


I was a size 6-8 my whole life until about 15 years ago. I was diagnosed with Addison’s disease when I was 22, this was 8 years later. I am ashamed to say I weigh 202. Pounds and I feel disgusting. I have physical limitations that I do not fully understand the reason for, I have fibromyalgia, ok, I have arthritis, ok, but I have a swelling in my hip and “tire” area no doctor has been able to explain! That was when I started limiting my activity and started to gain weight. I just figured out I can not have dairy and thought that would be it, but, nope. It is not my bones, we know that for sure. I think it has something to do with air, I can get a lot of gas sometimes after the swelling comes but it is so severe I look crooked! It is visible to anyone that one side is bigger, it has always been the left side. If I am physically active when it is already swollen, it gets worse and can hurt all the way down my leg. Everyone just says,” there is nothing there”? Yup, just my hip. But it swells. My dr said to “get regular ” but I have never been!!

So, I need to loose weight. I hate the way I look. But I just can’t fig out how with limited mobility. My dr has suggested water physical therapy. I just feel like it is hopeless. Of course my husband loves me and always gets upset when I say I am fat or something, says he still sees the 15 year old girl he met but, he will see it someday.

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my thoughts, organized, Psychology, self-help

Learning to pace myself


Oh boy!! So I have days or weeks that I feel like I have no energy at all and then I have days where I can get tons of things done, after a long talk with one of my docs, she explained how, “I am not thinking about the whole picture.” Mental, Emotional and Physical things effect me soo much more with my Addisons Disease. I was stressed and worried for weeks, if not months, about going to court with my husband against his ex wife, we won, in case you didn’t read it, but the effects of all that still had to go through me. I was emotionally exhausted. It took me almost two weeks of down time to recover and when I did, I go, go, go and don’t pace it out. I exhausted myself physically in two days and then could not figure out why I was down again.

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

What!!

That makes soooooooo much sense!!!!!

So now, I have to learn how to pace myself everyday and maybe I will have less down days and more up days.

This is so hard!!! If I sit down to rest, then I get tired, in the time it has taken me to write this, my eyes are now getting heavy. (Sleep disorder)

So sit and rest long enough for it to count but not long enough to make me tired and suck my energy out anyway!!! Uugggghhhhhhhh.

This Sucks!

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my thoughts, Psychology, self-help, tips & tricks, Uncategorized, WOW Stuff

I live my life


My days all start with the same old game, open your eyes jump and up quick or feel like your dragging yourself all day,

Getting out of bed and moving around , is like telling the future of what my day will behold,

Someday I wobble and don’t feel secure not really sure if I will land on the floor

I take my pills, a handful to start, try to be a mother, try to be a wife

Half an hour at a time, I live my life

Not sitting too long or reading at all, it knocks me out and I hit a wall.

The day will end , no matter what time, if I drive or ride, read or write , mostly if I use my computer at all,

30 min later the alarm will ring, half an hour at a time, what a life

Falling asleep driving limits this for me , the thought of hurting anyone I can’t go far from home

What work could I do, physically week and plenty of pain for me

Can’t sit at a desk or stand for long , can’t drive , can’t type, can’t even write this blog, my eyes are falling

This day is over, the monotony of my life

Living 30 min at a time ,

my prison inside my own home

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my thoughts, Parents, Psychology, self-help

I am DONE being an addict


For 12 years, maybe 15 I have been doing suboxen because I became addicted to opioids. I have health issues and they told me all the time, (the dr’s )that my body could not handle detox that it would kill me. I died the day I did my first drug. I am tired of it, I don’t want to do this anymore.

I can’t keep dealing with the shame of being an addict. My husband has never even hit a joint! For real! He doesn’t understand at all but he is trying. I cut down to 2 mg months ago and for the past two day I have been doing one. It is not in my head, the lack of energy, the lack of motivation, I also have more pain than normal but I can think that away with the weather. I have to trick myself into not being affected by this. I need to know what it is like to feel normal, but with my Addison’s I won’t ever, so how normal can I get?

I need to sleep. I’m so tired. Igo through fazes of not sleeping and last night I woke up and could not go back to sleep and I need to sleep. I am supposed to get 10-12 hours with my illnesses. I have to break that now before it really starts or it will be so much harder .

My son, the pre Med one, he knows all about it and he just says, mom who cares, u r not an addict, I think you should just leave it alone. But, I still feel it. I want so bad to change. I need to not have soo many regrets and not wish I had done this and that. I will not be ever to just travel if I am still on this crap. I will accomplish one big thing in my life besides my kids, even if it is the only think I ever do.

Laws of attraction, God, Angels, the universe, which ever one you believe in, please help me. Please.

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my thoughts, Psychology, self-help, Uncategorized

Living 30 min at a time


Scheduling my day , trying to decide what needs to be done. For anything involving my computer, like this, for example, reading or even driving, I have to do it 30 min at a time. My life feels like one long to do page, having to stand and move around so I don’t fall asleep. Can’t go anywhere over 30 min away. Can’t read any of the many, many, books I still want to read, unless it’s night and it’s ok to fall asleep.

Once I fall asleep and jolt awake again, I can try and try to get back my energy but it is gone for good for that day.

Is it horrible, yes it is. Is it a severe pain and makes me just want to cry the tears from all the way down in to my toes, yes, yes it does.

Living 30 minutes at a time

Can not sit , and let my mind go

Can not jump in the car and drive anywhere just because

I love to learn and I love to read

I loved when I used to feel more free

Now if I sit to long it sucks away my living

If I am up to long and do to much

I usually will have a price of pain to pay

Which way is up , which way is down

To be living instead of just surviving

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my thoughts, Parents, Psychology, self-help, tips & tricks, Uncategorized, WOW Stuff

Injection form of suboxen?


www.sublocade.com/

Now for you who do not know, suboxen is a small film medication that you put under your tongue to dissolve and is used to treat opioid addiction. It stops the ability to feel the effects of opioids, stops withdrawals and helps with urges for opioids.

It started in a hexagon shaped orange colored pill form and comes in, 2,4 and 8 mg. ( I believe that is all but don’t quote me) When companies or agencies realized that people had started crushing and snorting it to get a high like effect, a contradiction to its use, they had to rethink it. It sold quick and easy on the streets and they all were exactly the same with No way to trace them back to the original prescription owner. They made a generic that was not as strong and from what I remember didn’t stay long. I think they turned that into the subutex, a form given to pregnant woman that would help with cravings and withdrawals but not be as harmful to the baby. If one did too much suboxen they would nod off, or fall asleep, pass out, doze off, etc,etc,etc,

Then they made the film form, something that as far as I know, there is no way to exploit so it worked for its needs except they still were able to sell films on the street, in Maine the street value of suboxen is usually $1.00 a milligram, some people double it. Now the films come in little envelope type squares with a cut up in the corner so you could rip it open, they also have bar codes and batch numbers, making it easier to trace and check to make sure the envelopes all matched the batch they were supposed to be in and to the person they were supposed to be prescribed to, that made it a very minor harder to sell but not much..

So, now we have this once a month injection thing coming out. That will definitely help with the doing more than prescribed or selling issues, but, it’s still addicting and still just another form of suboxen. Not really going to help with the opioid crisis.

I have been a recovering addict for 13 years, on suboxen, after a roughly 2 or 3 year affair of drug use. I literally started at the bottom on a 500 mil of Vicodin’s and went up from there, never booted though. I had my limits and the whole thing started with prescribed pain medications for myself, then I lost my doctors, so I was introduced to a whole new world. Being a single mother, you will do what ever it takes to be able to care for your kids, never mind the consequences.The withdrawals from the suboxen are worse than from the pills and my body is weak with my Addison’s disease it makes them deadly for me. I will be able to get off it someday. I am down to 2 mg a day. , and have been stuck at that amount for 5 years. I am tired of it.

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my thoughts

And it starts…..


I haven’t had the best life and most of it was brought on myself, bad decisions, poor judgement and all that goes with it. I had 2017 like a dream from someone else’s life, everything was beautiful, every day I felt like a different person but feared it would not be so in 2018. I don’t want to be right. I know nothing will take my husband and family but if I become a financial burden, if my dr appt, meds and needs become overwhelming, it scares me.

In sept before we even got married I called and talked to someone from Dhs about my Maine care, my medical insurance, I have always had it and people were saying I would loose it once I got married. The woman whole heartedly reassured me that it was not true and even if it came to a change in it that it is a slow process and they give you lots of time and help to figure it all out.

Well guess what, time for my review came and I was told to do this and that instead, then my pharmacist called and said my insurance wasn’t working. I call, again and said I was just in last week with the information that I was told to get, oh no, I don’t know why you were told that, you need to do the review first even if you are changing all the information. So while I am jumping through hoops to get another bunch of papers done, I am out of meds and worried about my life. I need my medicine to live. Literally. I have Addison’s disease and need my meds to survive. I know David would never risk anything coming close to my running out of that medicine but I have others and I am out of two now. I can live but won’t be happy. I really have never had to deal with anything like this. Filing out the papers , they don’t care about loan payments or credit card debt, they want to know gross pay and necessary living bills. The house and vehicle , assets , his work stuff, all the stuff they take out for, not included, they look at our income so differently than how we actually live. I was living in a rent paid apartment, getting food and lights paid for as well. I left that stuff behind and just want the medical but now I see why so many people stay living on the states dime to keep it. I’m totally stressed and overly anxious about it all.

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my thoughts, Uncategorized

Tired of this body


Ever since I was diagnosed with Addisons Disease my body has been screwed up. I have had so many diagnoses that have ended up being wrong that it’s hard to keep track.

Scoliosis

Lupus

Mixed connective tissue disease

Allergy to the sun

That’s just off the top.of my head there is so much more. Every year, when it changes to summer, my skin changes, one year when I itched, they swelled into huge welts. My Dr scratched me then went to let the student in and they had swelled in that time so much he speechless at first. I have fibromyalgia, on one side of my body?? I get cluster headaches but they are totally different from what they are supposed to be. They start some were on my head and move behind my eye, then they stay for hours. I will get just one once in awhile or one every day for a week. I noticed recently if I don’t get enough salt I feel tired and sluggish.

I dread the changing of the seasons. Pain has become part of my every day life. This year I am getting strange rashes, almost like I’m allergic to my own sweat. Working on the house, packing and moving can make u really sweaty. I haven’t changed anything but still have rashes all under my arms, on my chest, along my pants line on my waist. I’m so frustrated. Today I’m noticing an area on my head is itching.

My legs turn red w blue blotches and itch whenever I take a shower or do dishes. My hip swells and makes me look crooked.

I’m just tired of it. 

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House Remodeling, my thoughts, organized, Parents

So tired of being tired


Hi, I haven’t posted in a bit with all the choas going on at the moment but here’s an update. 

We are still in the apartment until school gets out June 16. I couldn’t see moving my son with only one month left to a new school. 

The house, we took out a wall, have refinished 4 floors so far, layed down 2 more, replaced some electrical wiring that was so old it was crumbly. Took out panelling all over the place, changed out lights and put up ceiling fans, cleaned up a garden that was started in front of the house, tore out wallpaper,  and a lot of clean up. During this whole process packing and sorting through a 3 bedroom apt with full basement and 8 years of junk. 

During this whole process my soon to be has worked his reg full time job of about 60 hours plus has a side job installing decks and some windows and has been the only muscle to move me. My son being 14 and lazy only helps when necessary and I’m not allowed to do much lifting, carrying, moving , climbing, etc. Etc. 

I feel so bad all the time because even if he let me I know I still don’t get as much done on a day as a normal healthy person does. My sleep is awful, I don’t get even a quarter of the REM sleep needed for anyone never mind me. I’m always fighting a cold or pain or something that were me down even more. It’s been about 20 years since I was diagnosed with Addisons and my health has just gone down hill from there but I don’t even remember normal anymore. I’m always tired and it’s so frustrating esp when I have so much to do. I take extra vit c and was just put on a vit d regimen but, I’m still tired. 

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my thoughts

Day one


I didn’t accomplish much today, I am making something for my little brothers wedding that I hope I have the nerve to give them. They are huge gamers, both love them and are computer geeks. I get projects made but chicken out before giving them. I will get opinions as I go from you to help with that. I tried getting my windows 10 upgrade and it messed up my speech recognition that I was using to get all my horrors down on paper.so, no life helping or changing accomplishments today. I realized, I don’t know we’re to start….. Do I set goals, give myself time limits, I’m not sure…

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my thoughts, organized, Parents

Part 2


It’s hard to figure out what to tell to help imagine who you are and how u got there, 

Could be from when I was a tween, the first time crying over a boy and ran to my mother, when she realized what it was about she harshly said oh you will get over it and walked away….did that say to me that my feelings were not important.? Yes I think so.

Our house burned two weeks before my son’s first birthday. I got the abusive man part but then spent eight years with one emotionally unavailable and mentally abusive. I was an extreme extrovert before and now, I go days or weeks without leaving my house. I am an extreme introvert. I shy from people. I do not like the way I look but can not do to much to change it. I attract narcissistic people and I let them use me for whatever. I need to change me. 

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