the people who have been reading me since the beginning of 2017 have probably got tired of the phrase,“For the first time!” I have had so many I can’t count them all and I thought that had to be it but I never should have doubted my husband. So , once again, for the first time in so long I can’t remember, I was so wrapped up in my family and what they were doing around me that I didn’t take one picture!!! Now I have always over done it with the pictures, like, taking fifty pictures of my grandkids playing in the snow. Always have had pictures of the boys opening stuff and reactions but not this year. I can’t even believe it!! And , yes, another!!! My husband made all of xmas dinner himself. Never before have I not done it myself, I am not talking about just doing the potatoes or opening all the cans kind of thing, but from the ham to the pumpkin pie, he did it all and I didn’t get any pictures!!!!! It was great, everything came out just right. Once again he has out done himself.
Tag: family
Reunited
my mother split with my father and moved us back to Maine when I was about three. My dad remarried and when I was ten had another daughter. My little sister was my favorite person, I didn’t see her much but it was love at first sight! My step mother was amazing, she would brush my hair and braid it for me, she taught me how to play piano and about so many things in the short time I had with her. I only saw them in the summertime and it was never long enough. I had a baby brother come along and shortly after that my dad and step mom split up. It was the end of my visiting and I lost connection with my siblings. Facebook brought us back together and my amazingly talented MMA fighter brother made it to my wedding. That started it all. I needed to see my sister after that and I new my dad was 80 and not that healthy anymore so this past weekend we had a road trip! It was five hours one way and since my oldest Jacob was home from college for thanksgiving break we got to bring both my boys with us. We left Friday after David got home from work , stayed at the hotel that night and started sat fresh to see my family. I was nervous and excited and scared all at once! I’m the one out of four who is not a major athlete, mma, boxing, running, my three siblings do it all, My sister is my brothers MMA coach! I’m the black sheep, my success is my sons and staying alive. They have tons of accomplishments and still going. Ok, but, I was still family. I got to see them both, meet my brother in law and my two nieces, got to see my dad and see my step mom again with her husband who took great care of them all growing up. It was amazing and comfortable and emotional. After about an hour of being at my sisters, my brother took off with my two sons and my brother in law stole my husband. We belonged. We decided from now on it will be a yearly thing. I will not loose them again. I got to tell my step mom how much she had actually meant to me and the influence she had been to me. That felt amazing. I felt like I had family for the first time in my life. I don’t really fit in with my mother and older brother here in Maine and just never felt like I belonged. Now, I know that I do belong, not just as a mom and wife but as a daughter and sister and aunt! The empty black hole that has been inside me for as long as I can remember has closed up quite a bit and I think it’s only going to get better from here on!
We did it
David and I got married!!!
I am now officially Mrs David Bernier!!!
I am so used to being the photographer everywhere that it is weird for me to not have any photos yet but my son and step dad went crazy with there cameras and I will have some to share.
Have a whole lot of tips and tricks to getting married with it just as you want for 1,000!!
Takes more work on ur end but completely doable!
Going to need another day to recoup then I will be back
The now, Tracey Lee Bernier
New light
In the past eight months exactly sept 1, there have been so many drastic changes in my life. All for the better in one way or another.
I met my soul mate, again.
We bought a house
We moved in together which means a new town and new school, all new streets and neighbors.
I was diagnosed with cervical cancer to add to my list of health issues.
They removed all the cervical cancer!
Learning to DIY everything from windows to floors to lights and faucets!
I have never had my own yard nevermind an acre! !
Getting married in one month and 14 days, doing almost all of it ourselves.
My life hasn’t been the worst but I have seen my share of horror and evil in this world and believe everything in my life has been preparing me for this, my happy ending.
I struggled to be a disabled mom and dad to my son’s who I wanted to grow to be healthy and happy young men going out to live full lives as adults and not feeling the need to compensate for what they didn’t have as boys. A father, money, a home and a mother who wasn’t sickly. My focus has been on myself and my family mentally and emotionally for so long that once my older son left home for school, I felt a little lost. My other boy is 14, 6 feet tall and full of confidence as to who he is. That’s when David came into my life after 25 years. I realized he was gods way of saying,” it’s ok to find love and let go, be happy, let all that work pay off,” and that’s exactly what it has been like for 8 months.
Pre-med!!
Never will I be ready to watch you leave. The day you arrived was the day my life truly began. Never could I have imagined my boy would grow to such a wonderful young man, never because I doubted you but in doubt of myself. I am so proud of my son. At 19 he has the next 12 years planned out. God willing they will go as such, I loved having him home with us for the 4th and as usual breaks my heart when he leaves. My son, pre-med.
Grammies Angel
The Difference EP – SoundCloud
Listen to The Difference EP by Jcub The Rapper #np on #SoundCloud
This is my son singing cna going to b a dr!! Well that was a mouthful. It is more rap, told him he needs more singing. I love his voice. Not just cause I’m his mom either!!! Lol
She stole our xmas
For 4years I have had this person in my life. I have done everything to accept her for the benefit of my grandchildren. You who have been here before know how much I love my grandchildren, so if I have to tiptoe around her so she doesn’t get mad about something and take them from me then I did. I have let her live here. I have given her money or rides or whatever she needed if I could.
I got to the point of calling her my daughter. People would get confused because he was my son but she lived with me. I understood how she was brought up and why she did a lot of the things she did. I tried to explain to her why she did what she did.
I opened my home and my heart to this girl. She would say, you have done more for me in the time I have known u then my real mother has in my whole life.
Then, she took everything. The kids were here and she brought them. I wasn’t doing well so when she said, they haven’t had anything to eat at 9:30 in the morning , I said feed them. I didn’t have any milk or bread. I let her go to the store to get it. She came back, cooked for the kids and left. She had put my card on the stand. At some point either her or her bfn picked it up. She cleaned me out. That was Dec 20. My kids and I don’t have Xmas. My son’s birthday is Dec 31. We have to wait for a food bank to open after Xmas because we have no food. She new what she was doing. She knows we have no one. She new everything I had was in that account. I now I should have changed the pin once at least in the past 10 years but , I called her daughter.
My heart is broken, I feel betrayed stronger than I ever have before. I feel like she punched me in the gut, stabbed me in the back and stabbed my heart all at once. My boys. I have two boys at home. What did they do to deserve this?
I just don’t understand how she could do this.
Witch with a gun….
My little girl playing with the Halloween witch hat grammie got her and playing with a nerf gun.
It struck me as funny, who knows why but a witch with a gun…. idk. maybe it’s just a grammie thing.
Waiting
Today’s one word prompt from the Daily Post is waiting.
Once again a word I could go on for hours about, but I will not.
We wait forever for our children to leave the nest. Then when it comes we are beside ourselves. I am at this time waiting for the bus to come get my son so he may follow his dreams. As he heads off on the bus to make his mark on the world, I feel like it was yesterday he was born, two weeks overdue and still not budging , I should have known then how stubborn he would be!!!
Pride, fear, sadness, all overwhelming me at once. My other son says he will be back to visit on thanksgiving mom, visit!!??? Thanksgiving, that’s weeks away. Wrong choice of words son.
Even though he was hardly ever home, knowing he isn’t walking in the door anytime soon makes it feel empty.
Now, I am waiting for my baby to come home , to visit.
Letting go
My grandkids are 3 and 1 and they have really really bad parents. I have cut years off my life stressing and getting sick over trying to help. They need to let them go. They r homeless and have been more than not in these 3 years since jr was born. I tried to take them. I just can’t do it myself though. I am not mentally or physically strong enough to raise 2 Littles ones on my own. They don’t think anything is wrong. They don’t see how messed up these kids are going to b if something doesn’t change. I don’t know what to do.
Pain
I went to my little brothers wedding today. It was beautiful, he was great, she was perfect, they are perfect for each other. The wedding went with no problems, the reception the same.
The moment I walked in I was uncomfortable, as guest arrived and people were greeted, I felt invisible. The ran like a little girl to my uncle’s as they arrived looking for the safety I have always received under there wings and sat with them during the ceremony so it was much better then. I hadn’t been spoken to or had gotten more than a necessity response from anyone else but my brother since arriving. I stayed to take pictures and ended up having to be in one but , I dealt. My brother said that was what I got for staying. Love that kid. At the reception I was seated with my mother, ex step father who had his other two sons with him, current step father and niece. I brought my older son with me. I wanted to sit with my uncle’s and grandmother’s but wasn’t sure if that was allowed. Most of the time I sat unspoken to, just there. My niece moved next to me at one point so I wasn’t alone. The whole family got up and danced, except me. I spoke to my older brother, the best man, nieces father, best friend to my little brother, but, he ignored me as he has for 20 years.
I have yearned for the love of family for so long. The ache I felt inside brought constant tears to my eyes. I have had friends as family, had lonely holidays and just a very lonely life.
Could it all just be me???
I went to see my younger brother today and as usual we talked about the family. I told him a lot on how I feel and he told me I was wrong pretty much. I said our mother was never there for me growing up, he said that makes no sense she is great to me and our older brother. I said whatever came into memory and he said it is out of our mothers character. I brought up, I wasn’t a problem kid like she says, how was I so bad, I didn’t come home pregnant till 22, wasn’t a junkie, didn’t even loose my virginity till almost 16. I didn’t understand at that age how I felt or how to express any of it. He said he didn’t understand, mom was not like that at all that he has seen. He is about 13, or so years younger than me. I can’t believe all this is from my father living in a diff state, we made our peace with each other when I was 20. The thing that I can’t get past is my mother and older brother talked about taking my son from me. It blows my mind. Our house burned 2 weeks b 4 my son’s first birthday.we went to live with my older brother. Him and his wife tried to change me drastically. Not just my hair and clothes and I moved out after two months even though they really didn’t think I should. I don’t k ow if it was then or before that but he claims they say my son was malnourished and always had bruises. I can’t even begin to argue how wrong that is. I can get his medical records from that time but I don’t understand they never tried talking to me, I never had the state involved except for the volunteer programs I was involved in. He said something had to make them decide that Jacob needed to be protected, they were just looking out for the best interest of Jacob. I do not understand any of this. I wasn’t born messed up. I was made that way, I didn’t chose abusive men because I felt like I, I didn’t think I deserved better. It all came from some were. Did it just come from me?
I am panicking as the days go…
I don’t know what to do, I have two weeks before my brothers wedding. I have nothing to wear as I have gained weight. I am so self conscious as it is. My family is not very nice to me, most anyway. I guess I am not what they wanted me to be. I don’t know if I dare to make anything or should I play it safe and just buy something. I wish I could be there without being seen. I love my little brother. I raised him for a good part of his first few years. After I moved out though my mother wouldn’t allow me to take him anywhere or spend time with him with out her. She makes me feel like my life has been all just failures and she makes sure I come across as the failure she claims I am. At her wedding the three of us kids were supposed to stand up and say we do when asked who gave her away, no body told me. She makes it a point to tell me it’s my fault I am who I am and she is very disappointed. I am not a druggie, I had my first child at 24, been married to his father who beat me and cut me. I have chosen abusive men most of my life. Then I got sick k and the only thing good I have now is my boys are wonderful. Which is almost enough for me anyway, but they had no faith in that, they tried to take my son away when he was born. They either didn’t pursue or they were told they had no grounds. I entered everything when my son was born,I was a part of all the programs I could be so I had a lot of backup. They had no reason. Two weeks before his first bday our apt burned, we went to live w my older brother. They tried to change me and control me, picked my clothes, my hairstyle, everything. I moved out and that’s when he and his wife disowned me because they didn’t think I should go yet. My husband was in jail for another 2 years still and that’s when they apparently talked about taking him. That was it, that was the only reason, I didn’t do drugs or drink, I didn’t cheat on my husband even though he was abusive. I did nothing to deserve that treatment and this is all crashing on me as the two weeks go on.
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Tracey in Maine 